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asturbana wrote:

Article about troy
source:http://tvnz.co.nz/view/page/410965/425442
Troy is epic in appearances, but not in feeling.

On paper it has all the elements of a big, rousing epic - spectacular battle scenes, tormented heroes, proud kings and fair maidens - but on screen they fail to gel in any kind of interesting, let alone meaningful, manner.

**Translation: No T&A.

Brad Pitt plays the born-to-kill warrior Achilles, reluctant hero of the Greek empire, serving Agamemnon (Brian Cox), a power hungry king he doesn't respect.

**Weelllllllll, he TRIES to play, but the other reindeers make fun of his HUGE nose! & then he goes off crying & plotting his revenge against the Lovely & Talented Eric Bana.

Eric Bana and Orlando Bloom are Hector and Paris, Princes of Troy, the powerful and well-fortified nation across the sea ruled by Priam (Peter O'Toole) that enjoys an uneasy peace with Greece.

**Translation: I HATE Eric Bana in equal proportion to how much my daughter, wife & female realitives LOVE him. But I'm NOT bitter!!
Oh & He has fat ankles too!

The film begins with the celebration of a truce between Troy and the Greek coastal nation of Sparta, ruled by Menelaus (Brendan Gleeson), Agamemnon's brother.

**Who actually looks F.I.N.E. in this flick.
Wonder who explained this COMPLEX scene to our intrepid (read:IDIOT)"Would Be Movie Critic" & how many Crayola drawings were inlvolved?!

But during the celebrations, Paris sneaks off to be with his secret love, Menelaus' trophy wife Helen (German actress Diane Kruger), whom he convinces to return to Troy with him.

**& who can blame Menelaus, the character is a vapid, braindead loser who was REALLY in love with Hector if you asked me!! The way this part was written, it could have been played by an inflatable party pal or a well trained ****er spaniel!

This insult suits the war-mongering Agamemnon, as he has been looking for a reason to invade Troy. Sending a massive flotilla across the ocean, lead by a glory-seeking Achilles, the Greeks take the beaches of Troy with much ferocity, then rest for the night before attacking the city.

**O-K, now y'all know he can't actually pronounce Agamemnon right?! Faaaaaaarrrrrrrr tooo many syllables!! I'm surprised he didn't refer to him as Aggy!

But on their first attempt, they fail to penetrate the massive walls surrounding the city, and must regroup on the beaches. The rest of the film features numerous attacks, re-groupings, and various tantrums from the petulant Achilles. And there's also the thing with the big horse.

**I would love to be catty about this, but it is too true!!

The 2 3/4 hour film gets its melodramatic elements out of the way in the first 30 minutes, then it essentially becomes a war movie.

**Try investing in a trip to Oz. With a heart, a brain & a C-L-U-E you too may GET IT?! ...or not?!

Director Wolfgang Peterson stages numerous epic battles with much technical proficiency, but he fails to make them particularly memorable. He lacks Peter Jackson's eye for showcasing notable, distinguishing moments in battle. Although a Trojan raid on the Greek beach encampment in the predawn light has a nice colour to it.

**Translation: I know NOTHING about filmmaking, cinematography or anything at all for that matter...Oooooooooooohhhh look at the pretty colours!!

Peterson is skilful in his direction of the one-on-one fights however, and these are definitely the highlights of the movie. Following an introduction that sees him lounging in bed with two ladies, Achilles' first fight against a gargantuan foe is an efficient exercise in minimalist cool. And his inevitable, bruisingly balletic showdown with Hector is the only part of the movie that threatens to have any kind of gravitas.

**DUDE!!! C'mon admit it..you got off on that glimpse of the Black Speedos!!

Achilles as a character is problematic - he is a violent brute, but they have him valiantly protecting a captured Trojan priestess (Aussie actress Rose Byrne), just so he can have his way with her. The film makes it extremely hard for the viewer to empathise with this arrogant, sullen character. Pitt's main strategy as an actor here seems to be about injecting as many pensive stares off into the distance as possible.

**Actually I would say BRAD makes it hard to empathise with his character...not his fault he just CAN'T Act!!! & Achilles...violent...Nooooooooooo!

Eric Bana is far cooler as Hector, and looks the part more than the California-ready Pitt, but his characterisation is also ultimately lacking.

**I think it's maybe YOUR empty Brainpan & Speedos that are ...erhm...lacking...
De-Nial..ain't just a river in Egypt!!

Paris is, for lack of a better cliché, a lover, not a fighter, and will probably have Bloom's legion of fans swooning. I must admit I was ready to hate Bloom in this role, but it actually suited his strengths (if you could use that word) as an actor.

**Which ultimately DWARF your abilities as a film critic, writer, male of the species & Human Being...

As "the face that launched a thousand ships", Kruger has the requisite beauty, reminiscent of a young Julie Christie (who has a cameo as Achilles' mother Thetis), but she isn't given much to do.

**Her butt & yer face...twins (& intelllectual equals I'd wager)!!

And Peter O'Toole's apparent plastic surgery is very distracting - he looks like a male Joan Rivers.

**As where your lobotomy results are sooooooooooooo impressive!

The many characters in Troy spend a lot of time talking about how this war will be remembered forever, and how important it all is - but that's all the movie does, talk about it - it doesn't actually convince us of this.

**Kinda like this review huh...POT...KETTLE...

When I realised I was not really invested in either side winning the war, I thought maybe Troy was supposed to be more about the individual characters, but none of them managed to really capture me either.

**Sooooo not a single member of the cast was willing to handle the dung beetle huh...can't says I blames 'em
although this moron does belong on the bottom of a pile of flies...along with his review!

The love story between Helen and Paris doesn't entirely convince - and we are introduced to it when it is already underway. But Bloom and Kruger look nice together.

**Translation, I prefer my extensive porn collection

The production values are first rate in Troy. Particularly impressive is the armour which looks used and worn. The sets are also grand in scope, and don't betray their CGI elements. The scenes of the armada of Greek ships are also pretty spectacular.

**Such a shame that the production values of your publication/website aren't.

The Trojan Horse is also a remarkable achievement of production design.

**The jack@$$ behind this review should be proud od his remarkable achievement in stupidity. New heights I tell you! & talk about hollow...


Troy provides what is necessary for a night out at the movies - big stars, big battles, beautiful women and hard-bodied warriors. It just would've been nice if it managed to evoke even the emotional resonance of an average episode of Xena: Warrior Princess.

**Translation: What...no nekkid broads showering together..~whine~

HEY...BONE_HEAD!!! Ask Mommy to pop in a copy of "Curious George Goes to the Zoo" so she can expain where your "People" come from...

 

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it could have been played by an inflatable party pal or a well trained ****er spaniel!

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And Peter O'Toole's apparent plastic surgery is very distracting - he looks like a male Joan Rivers.

**As where your lobotomy results are sooooooooooooo impressive!

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