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lotekshoeco
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jokes
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago".
"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.
Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!"
Bob says, "I'm gettin' it on with Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!!"
---
Bubba
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1/26/2006, 7:09 pm
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keystoneannouncer
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Re: jokes
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where
she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a
quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a
2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt
to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as
she placed the items in front of the cashier. He said,
"You must be single." The woman, a bit startled but
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her
six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual
about her selections she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you
know that?" The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly.
---
Jeff Jamieson
The Fat Guy in the Tower
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1/31/2006, 6:45 am
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aknox258
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Re: jokes
What can skittles do that men cant?
----------------------------------------
come in 5 flavors.
How do you circumsize a whale?
-----------------------------------
You use four skin divers.
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2/27/2006, 9:50 pm
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kilgore bmx
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Re: jokes
There was this mostly happily married couple who happened to argue everyday about his flatulence in bed. He forced farts left and right and his wife would get all stinked out. She kept telling him not to force farts, that he was going to poop the bed or that his guts would come out. One Thanksgiving, she got up early to fix the turkey, etc., and thought she would get even with her husband. So, she took all the turkey guts, innards, neck, back and other assorted parts, and gently slipped them into his boxer shorts. Then she snuck back downstairs, she could hear him ripping farts off and on all morning, and a few hours later, he awoke with a bloodcurdling scream. She could hardly contain her laughter as he came down the steps as white as a ghost. She said "Honey, what is the matter?" and he replied "well, I am sorry I never listened to you about forcing farts and what you said about my guts coming out, it was all true. But by the grace of God, these two fingers and some Vaseline, I managed to get them all back in." She fainted.
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3/24/2006, 2:59 pm
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kilgore bmx
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Re: jokes
Did you guys hear about the dislexic man who walked into a bra?
hahaha
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3/28/2006, 2:40 pm
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Halifax325is
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Re: jokes
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession.
I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional,
"Father, it has been two months since my last confession.
I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest, "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'. You are forgiven."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon
when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon
her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy, and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
---
Alex Lewis
16 Expert
Westmoreland BMX
Myspace.com/crupibicycleco
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3/29/2006, 6:33 am
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kilgore bmx
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Re: jokes
Unlike all of his friends, Jose decided to come to America legally. He took all of the classes and was almost through testing when Officer Lou said, "You have only one more test to take, Jose, and if you pass, you may become a citizen of this great country of ours!" "I am ready, Mister Officer Sir", replied Jose. The Officer said, "OK, all you have to do is use the words green, pink and yellow in a sentence, and you will pass the test." A few tense minutes went by and the Officer questioned Jose, "Are you ready, son?". Yes sir, "The telephone goes green, green, green, so I pink it up, and say "Yellow, this is Jose". Today, Jose lives in a neighborhood near you and works for Sprint PCS help line.
 Kilgore
Last edited by kilgore bmx, 3/31/2006, 5:20 pm
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3/31/2006, 5:19 pm
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keystoneannouncer
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Re: jokes
Labor Pain Machine
A married couple went to the hospital together to have
their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented
a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's
labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they
were willing to try it out. They were both very much
in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters,
explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain
than the father had ever experienced before. But as
the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked
the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor
then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and
pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this,
they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was
obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged
the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no
pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got
home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
---
Jeff Jamieson
The Fat Guy in the Tower
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4/4/2006, 11:42 am
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bmxkidchris
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Re: jokes
Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."
This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this Little Johnny’s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"
---
Chris Jamieson
You'll never know what you can achieve if you don't put forth the effort to try.
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5/5/2006, 6:53 am
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bmxkidchris
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Re: jokes
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."
POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."
POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."as you want. No strings attached...
---
Chris Jamieson
You'll never know what you can achieve if you don't put forth the effort to try.
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5/5/2006, 7:01 am
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