theheartcentre
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401-02 Healing Emotions without Denial
Hi Everyone,
There is no Quick Fix to true healing of the emotions and it will take time. Ill be like peeling an onion, layer by layer until you get to the core, the heart of the matter. If your intent is to heal, be prepared to feel all the things that you have been trying to deny. If you have meditated or have done guided visualizations that will help you a lot or if youre able to easily visualize, that will also help you. Why I mention this is because a lot of the work that you will be doing is to allow yourself to remember, visualize and feel the things in your past that are re-creating your present issues and experiences.
Your present issues in your life are NOT the real cause and the present emotions you are feeling are the your real emotions. To begin to know what is the real you will have to allow yourself to go beneath the present issues and emotions to feel other times when you felt the same feelings. Back to your child hood where you experienced heartbreak and terror, felt alone and unloved and where you had feelings of not having a choice. Begin first with what you can remember and then later, as emotions begin to move or through visualizations you can go back to what you cant remember. Visualizations will introduce you to your inner child that is buried in your sub-conscious memory. The further you go into it, the deeper and harder it becomes to allow these emotions to move, but move they must if you are to reach the next level and that is of finding your outer child.
It is also important to express and not to explain your emotions as explaining is a mental narrative dialogue and not the feeling involvement that expression gives. Explaining is like talking about how you fear snakes. Expressing is how youd respond if you found a snake in your bed beside you. If you have someone that is also intent on healing their emotions, one who will allow and encourage you to move your emotions and not try to get you to deny them, then that is an ideal situation as BOTH can do healing at the same time. If you cant or arent conformable expressing your feelings, your true emotions, the good, bad and the ugly with those that you love, then you will have to do it alone. The best way to do that is to write your emotions in a journal whenever you are triggered or activated, not afterwards, but during.
It is also important to allow the physical body to release whatever it needs when you are doing emotional releases, as these trapped emotions have been held in the body. If you feel you want to cry, yell, scream, belch, vomit, slobber, fart, or whatever, allow your body to release. You are NOT releasing or letting go of the emotions, as they are a part of you, but you are releasing the unloving light of DENIAL that has been holding them from moving and has been holding them in your body all this time. Doing any type body work will also bring up emotional releases and when that happens you follow the same routine.
Also know that after you have had a major emotional and physical release, you will have more releases for the next two to three days and when that happens, follow the same procedure of expression. Its like an earthquake with after shocks. After each emotional and physical release you will feel the difference in your body, as if a weight has been lifted from you, which it has. After the two or three-day period, you might also begin to feel that you are getting worse than better. But this is not true and this is also when other emotions will begin to stir, knowing that there is acceptance for their expression. It is also when another so-called aspect of you, the unloving inner critic wants to stop you from what you are doing because if you succeed to empower yourself, IT will no longer be in control of you.
Although Ezboards has filters and rules of conduct limiting the use of these boards, I want you to know that its OK to express your emotions in this forum, as much as you are comfortable in doing. Once you express yourself, it will open new doors and new emotions that also have been repressed and denied. Express yourself; deny nothing, as denial is what has kept us in our hell. Healing also takes place by osmosis, that is by being exposed to another expressing their emotional pain, others will also be affected and will have an opportunity to also heal their issues if they so choose.
Love, Light and Life
Shenreed
"Healing begins in the Heart"
Last edited by theheartcentre, 12/Jun/2003, 12:10 am
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10/Jun/2003, 2:54 pm
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flickchic
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Registered: 06-2003
Location: Perth Western Australia
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Re: 401-02 Healing Emotions without Denial
. This is ME.............My father used his digits to rape me.....This is ME......The monetary unpaid prostitute., Sure I got what I wanted (whilst prostituting), to feel that I Was needed, in return I denied my existence. I continued to be a victim of sexual use and abuse. From the age of 13 to the age of 35.I was always silently begging for recognition for acceptance of what I really am..."like me, want me, need me, I want to be with you, want to keep me. I wanted to be kept, kept safe and secure. No body wanted to do that. Some for a short while, then it would get ugly. Fists in my face, things thrown at me, back handers, verbal abuse, emotional abuse "you slut". I was always being labelled as bad, someone with major hang-ups, and man I've had that hurled at me over the years. "There's so much wrong with you", there was and still isn't anything wrong with me, what was happening to me was wrong. The way my father taught me to love is so very very wrong. TO MEI love the way I am, the crazy little quirky things I do. I love to enjoy my own laughter! I love the way I present me to me. I've never been bad or ugly, yes a lot of my behaviours and experiences were far from desirable, it was the experiences that were bad and ugly. I started to regress here.........The ones that are always trying will be the ones to judge you and call you a slut, (I meant always trying to get me..) Well what the *F*, how good are you when you are the one that wanted the slut. Where's your respect. You look at me and you talk to me like I'm pure ****e. DIRTY. SO DIRTY. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S DIRTY. NOT ME YOU FILTHY SLUG. YOU FILTHY *F*ing PIG....TO ME; ME A LITTLE FREE INOCENT, BEAUTIFUL LITTLE PERSON THAT I AM, WHY? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME? WHY? DO YOU HAVE TO HURT ME. MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS. NO MORE. NO MORE. I felt all of this, I started in the teenage years, I felt the disgust, the hatred, I started off jiggling one foot rapidly up and down, I ended up with the other leg crossed over it and I started to shake and I shook and I shook. I went through the physical pain the fear the terror, the confusion, he digitally raped me and oh my god it hurt, it hurt so bad, I felt it I asked him over and over again, why, what are you doing to me, why this hurts, I want it to stop, no more no more. I was curled upon myself in my chair here, rocking. This is ME. Completely violated, over and over again. No wonder I have so much pain. He TERRORISED ME. The SIGNThe Black Hair...I now as of a few hours ago have black hair, I was fair. No, it's not rebellious it's what I want and I've done. (it spikes well!) (the next bit I was saying to my parents) Yes, I'm different to you, I am ME. Just because you see me as so different doesn't mean I'm bad, ugly or evil, I'm NOT lucifer, I AM ME. Rape: to force someone to consent to anything against their WILL. RAPEFORCED CONSENTCONSENT BEING FORCED WITH TERRORISM. I travelled in a different direction here, I have discovered an outer child fragment, I was trying to remember my age and my surroundings and the way it "felt" then. School of the air sports carnival weekend. All the surrounding sheep stations and beyond would gather, families and more families. We were at christobel's (that name has sat with me since). the bulk of the kids were camping in a hut together outside the main house, I chose to join them as opposed to staying in her room. I had the ****e of fear put into me there when I was in the dark, trying to go to sleep. I have no recollection of what it was, I just recall the experience, I know I screamed, someone put the torch on and I bolted inside to her room. We were living on a property in South Australia called Mutooroo. I was never happy there, so much evil, like my Granddads house in Broken Hill; it was DEAD. (no one lived in it, it was a house in town for whoever to use when they were in there.) I only recall discomfort, no pain, no sadness, no love, no nothing. It was like walking into a dead house. It even smelt strange I can smell it now, it was DEAD. I tell a wee lie, there was one thing I experienced about that house that was ok. My half aunt had her bedroom adjoined but out the back. It was a comfortable feeling in there. I slept in there on my own one night and it was great. It is now Tuesday, I'm home from work again so will continue......My Aunt , Aunt Sandra betrayed me. My Aunt was my favourite, I felt a special sort of friendship with her, not favouritism, but akin. she began to blow all that in my eyes as I got older, her behaviour towards my Nan and other family members was not what I liked to hear and see. Particularly after Nan's funeral. On the same day, within two hours of her being buried (this was written in large capitals, with intense anger and distaste......)VULTURES, *F*ING VULTURES, DIRTY STINKING ROTTEN VULTRES. *F*ING EVERY ONE OF THEM.FILTHY FILTHY FILTHY. UGLY ****E TO SEE AND EXPERIENCE. GUESS WHAT VERY UGLY ****E TO FEEL (my parents, aunt and partner and uncle and partner all went through her stuff scrabbling over who's was who's, oh no, I bought that, I well, I bought that. Down to her kitchen pots and pans.) I sat with that anger and pain for some time, then out of the blue I told lucifer to *F* off. Just like that!!! I experienced lucifer in my world, everything was black as black, I was shut off to all else, as during a regression. I saw lucifer and man did I get so so angry and displayed a pure hatred to him. The vision I had of lucifer would have to be the most ugliest encounter ever!! EVOL!!!! I told him to be gone (I spoke in a deep strong and forceful tone), told him that he would never touch me again. I told this him to him with my hands clenched tight in fists of rage held upon the top of my head. No open offerings here, I was closed to him. ANGER, RESENTMENT, HATRED, EVOL, (next to evol I wrote: recognition here, do dah, do dah, LOL! there's more and more, so much happened yesterday. I went back to work for 3 hours, a little nervy although felt pretty ok about it, it was what I wanted. I then went for another session with the workers comp. phycologist and had what I felt to be a good session. I was given some things to mull over, the most important was to begin to have compassion for myself. I told her about what we'd shared about George and the fact that I was referring to little me as her or she. We then went into why I deny myself, because internally I hated me, I hated me more so as a teenager. So much ugliness. I shared something with her that I have tried to make a joke of a few times over the years to myself, if I had of been paid cash for my prostitution I'd be rich, so bloody rich. We then went on to discuss why I had moved into that behaviour and the fact that I was trying to survive childhood abuse of every kind. I have been saying for some time now that I know the things that happened to me were not my fault, I have never really felt that about my years as a teenager. The rapes I accepted as not being my fault, the rest of the behaviour over the years I still felt was. I felt so dirty and ugly inside, and over the years male partners have re-enforced that along with my parents whilst I was still a teenager. Ian, the most abusive one would often call me a slut and a whore during his phases of abuse. Something I have never shared with any one, my eldest brother used to do the same to me when I was in first year high school at a public school,(when I was staying with Nan) he and I, were mates as littlies and when he started high school (he's 2 years older) he discarded me. Didn't want me hanging around any more and started to humiliate me in front of his friends. If any of his male friends showed an interest in my he began to verbally abuse me. I just found another connection, his behaviour was just as bad as the rest. My own brother. I felt so much rejection. My sister, I felt her judgement from a very similar age (she's 2 years younger than me). Her judgement was always that I was lower than her. An attitude she continued to hold until I ceased contact with her a few years ago. I detest judgement of my worth. I detest being looked down upon. I detest not feeling valuable and validated as someone of worth. And yes I know why I'm going here at the moment as I had a confrontation with my head employer today whom I feel to have the same attitude. And no I'm not the only person who feels it. She fairly looks down her nose at you. I know to tell myself not to worry about it that I know it doesn't make her any better, it still kicks me in the guts though, I now realise there is stuff in there about judgement and my worth that I want to release. I wanted to let her know how I felt she'd dealt with my assault at work in an incorrect manner and that I felt they had been negligent in their duty of care to me. I discussed this at therapy yesterday and was told that yes, it would help me to speak freely about how I felt. My boss continually denied me, I tired so hard to bring her back to points I was trying to make and she continued to try and move around them. Yes I got frustrated and raised my voice a little, I felt helpless, I had no control of the conversation. I got upset and left it and walked off in tears, feeling somewhat humiliated, and very angry. which possibly goes back to my mum and her not wanting to hear me.Stuff just keeps on coming up for me. I hear Mark sigh on the phone, I felt a wee lack of support there because I didn't handle the situation the way I could have. I then began to kick myself, luckily pulled up on it before it got out of hand. I feel very flat and empty at the moment, defeated somewhat i guess. A lot of pain happening here. Denial Denial Denial, I had to back down, I could feel i wasn't going to get any further, she just kept taking my power. I've watched it happen with my immediate boss, she's been taking his work power from him and has been trying to control him for months. She's a power and control freak. We are told to remove ourselves from people that are threatening or make us feel wrong, what do you do when they're your boss dammit. I so wanted to go back to doing my job, I went in with the right attitude. I just wanted to express myself to her and I wanted some support to feel comfortable in my position. With the confidentiality act they supposedly do not have to give me any indicators of a resident's nature that is likely to cause a detriment. Basically I have to either remove myself from interacting with the residents or do so at my own risk. Carers and RN's are aware of inappropriate behaviours as it's apparently their right to know, unlike myself, I'm just the gardener. so I either go in there and ignore them or I have to be on guard against all. I give for now. I'm weary. Felicity.
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25/Jun/2003, 12:22 pm
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