theheartcentre
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408-02 Healing my “Inner Child”
Hi Everyone,
I’m sharing this part of my healing journey directly from my manuscript as it saves a lot of typing and *** Indicates the part that is taken from my manuscript. Like I said in the precious post, I had done a lot of emotional work before this moment and the one on Feb 19th. I skipped the material in-between these two dates as it doesn’t relate to this topic.
***'99 Feb 7, I had spent the afternoon at Jens watching a movie. We were talking while standing at the kitchen sink as she prepared some vegetables for supper. While she was talking, she made some innocent hand gestures with the small pearing knife she was using. That motion brought up my fear of knives and I went into a panic attack. All my life I've gone into terror whenever someone used or rather waved a knife near me. I always had to get out of the area and if I couldn't, I'd tell them to put the knife down slowly and to not play games, and that I didn't take any kind of fooling around or joking lightly.
This time however, I had awareness of my terror and instead of running, I allowed myself to feel and express my denied emotions as I had never done. I dropped to my knees on the kitchen floor and allowed myself to feel and remember. I felt the terror of seeing my mother waving a kitchen butcher knife in the air as she threateningly approached me and then my brothers and sisters. She was emotionally wrought and beside herself and treating to kill us all and herself, if we "kids" didn't start listening to her and helping her. Of course, since I was the oldest, that put all the pressure on me to ensure that she was satisfied and happy because if she wasn't happy, then she just might kill us all in the middle of the night when we were sleeping as she also threatened to do. I not only had to please her personally, but I also had to ensure that my brothers and sisters pleased her too. That meant that I had to control what they did, as I was the one that was being held responsible not only for what they did or didn't do, but also for their safety. The last time I can remember my mother threatening us was when I was in grade ten. She didn't threaten me with the knife but she grabbed my younger brother around the head and neck, her inside left elbow covering his mouth, while with her right hand she held a butcher knife to his throat. I can remember the look of terror in his eyes as I was talking to her, trying to get her to let him go, which she eventually did.
I was going through a series of emotional and physical releases right there on the kitchen floor. I was expressing what I was feeling and touching experience after experience of my terror of knives. During all this, Jen had put her supper aside and simply allowed me to express myself, speaking only when she felt she needed to. After and hour or so when I finally released everything I needed to, I rested there on the floor for a few minutes until I felt I needed to leave. I managed to drive myself home. I collapsed on the couch and sleep for a few hours.
'99 Feb 19, I had a client come into the store today for a personal session to work on her issues and emotions. Actually she had been in the store a few days earlier and as I was talking to her I was intuitively picking up that she had been sexually abused and also of the anger and rage she still had. She looked shocked and bewildered that I knew her secret and she said that she had healed her anger about her rape and her hatred for men. As we were alone in the store, we talked for about a half an hour before another customer came in.
During our talk she had told me of the psychiatrist she had been seeing for years and that how finally she had convinced him to allow her to act out her anger by bringing a bed sheet, a pillow, a bottle of ketchup and a knife to his office. She said that when she felt the anger and rage come up in her, that she stopped, put the sheet on the floor, open the bottle of ketchup, got the knife out and when she was organized, she then began to stab the pillow and squirt it with ketchup. She continued to stab it until she felt that she was happy and satisfied. I asked her where her psychiatrist was all this time and she said he was behind his desk terrified that she would come after him but that she had told him that he was OK as long as she could stab the pillow. I told her that she had only acted out her emotions and that the moment she stopped expressing her emotions to get things organized, was when she went into denial and that it was all an act, a re-creation and a projection of what she thought healing would be. She disagreed, but said she'd think about our conversation. The next day she phoned and made arrangements to come in on Friday, today.
It was 4:30 in the afternoon when she arrived for her appointment. I was just finalizing a customers purchases so I told her to go up stairs, turn left and to make herself comfortable in either one of the two rooms and that I would be up in a couple of minutes. After the customer left, I turned the phone ringer off and the answering machine on. I put the closed sign in the window, locked the doors and went up stairs.
I found her in the front "pink room" as we called it, with four of the cushions from the sofa from the "green room" on the floor. I asked her why the cushions and she stated that she didn't want me to be higher than her, that she wanted me to be on the same level. I told her that I usually had my clients sit in the large, comfortable leather recliner that also rocked and swiveled 360 degrees and that I usually sat on the wooden chair or a small milk stool. I explained that this arrangement worked out well for me in the past if I felt I needed to touch a client's foot or knees to activate them or to tune in and pick up on the emotions they couldn't reach. I also told her that some clients felt more comfortable on the futon and that she could sit on it if she liked, as it was lower than the chair. She was adamant and so I tried to try to appease her by sitting on the cushions but it just didn't feel comfortable and it didn’t allow me to move easily. I told her that, and that I'd feel more comfortable sitting on the small milk stool and showed her that it was the same height as the two cushions. She reluctantly agreed; I picked up the cushions and placed them against the wall.
We sat facing each other with about four feet between us. As we started our session, she began telling me of her past psychiatric help and that she really felt that she had healed her anger and rape issues and that this wasn't going to go anywhere. I just kept talking and asking her questions, trying to get her out of explaining and into feeling and expressing her pain. As we talked, I felt her pain and anger coming up and she started to express her hatred toward men. She started to utter curse words and to kick at me, not hitting me but kicking toward me and punching her fists toward me. I felt no fear that she was going to attack me even though the kicks and punches at times were only about a foot away from my face and body.
This worked itself up to a point where she suddenly stopped, reached over to get her large hand bag, opened it and pulled out a 10 inch hunting knife, unsheathing it from it scabbard. I looked at her and instantly became aware of my thoughts and feelings including not having the fear or panic of knives. I expressed myself and denied nothing that came to my consciousness. I told her of my fear of knives as well as briefly telling her of my emotional release a few days ago. I continued to let her talk but I also interrupted her if I felt I needed to say something. It was an amazing experience, as here in front of me was an unknown, angry, man hating woman with a ten inch hunting knife and I wasn’t in terror, even though there was no way I could get around or past her as she was between me and the door. She began to thrust, slice and jab the knife toward me, and several times the tip was less than a foot away from my face or body. She never cut or stabbed anything but the air and I felt that she wouldn't turn it on herself either. This release must have continued for at least five minutes, at which point the rage was leaving and she was beginning to cry.
She stopped momentarily, retrieved the scabbard and put the knife into it and back into her bag. She then began her emotional and physical release and I let her move as she needed to. I never physically approached her in all of this as I felt that that would only bring her back into her terror. She wept and sobbed openly and also expressed tears of joy, as did I, as I felt her connect with that lost part of herself. I was weeping for her and for me, as this experience was created to show me how I had also healed my issues with knives. It was a double healing day as it usually was when I did group sessions, one-on-ones, or worked with Jen. ***
Although this was a transformational and significant healing experience, something was still missing. I still had no idea of an "outer child" at this point or what I was searching for, how to find it or how to heal it, once I found it. The books, "Right Use of Will", that I've mentioned in other forums, spoke of fragmentation but I also had no idea of how that translated to the physical plane or that it had to do with emotions. It would take me a half a year before I would learn about the existence of my "outer child" and another year to heal him.
Love, Light and Life
Shenreed
"Healing begins in the heart"
"To heal, you must feel, and to feel, you must be real
Edited to correct HTML punctuation errors.
Last edited by theheartcentre, 19/Jan/2004, 1:46 am
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12/Jun/2003, 12:18 am
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theheartcentre
Head Administrator
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Registered: 06-2003
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 161
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Re: 408-02 Healing my Inner Child
Hi again,
I just want to add a brief PS to what Ive already posted but I can't add it to the orgibnal as it takes it past the 10,000 character limit
I wanted to add a note here as it is most important. Had I denied myself expression in ANY way, during my experience with the woman with the knife, the whole experience would have turned out differently and in a negative way. A few months earlier I had another powerful experience with the power of DENIAL, when I was aware of my thoughts and feelings, but I didnt express them. As a result, what should have been an open and shut case, turned into a financial failure. Yet at the same time it was a gift, as I needed the experience to awaken me to the power of denial.
Love, Light and Life
John Rieger/Shenreed
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12/Jun/2003, 12:20 am
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