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shenreed
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Jannokas Journey (posted by John aka Shenreed)
This thread had been copied and edited for length and I've combined several posts under one post for ease of reading. I've also activated all the links in the original thread so that you can also have direct access to them. The original posts can be found on Spiritual Awareness > Questions & Answers > I desperately need some advice, please.
This thread offers many aspects of love essence in denial, but with and open mind and heart, where denials end and healing begins. And although, as of the end of September, Jannokas has moved; I'm sure that I and we have not heard the last of him and his healing journey.
Before this thread and it's discussions, I was involved in the discussions on another thread on the same board found at Emotionally, mentally, spiritually.... wore out!! I included that thread as I feel that it offers an opposite perspective and many aspects of love essence in denial, but with a closed mind and heart. It also the presents a look at how evil thinks and works. Althouh Lisa closed the discussions, the thread and posts remain on the board for all to read.
John
"Healing begins in the Heart"
***************************** And so we begin the journey *****************************
Spiritual Awareness > Questions & Answers >I desperately need some advice, please.
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Theadebra (5/21/06 1:53 pm)
I desperately need some advice, please.
Quite a few years ago I watched an episode of Oprah when she had Gary Zukov as a guest. The only thing I can remember about that episode was when Gary Zukov said "Honour your calling and the universe will bow down to you".
I have never forgotten that statement. It made such an impact on me that when I heard it, it seemed like the entire world just ground to a halt and everything just froze in place. For a few seconds it seemed like my immediate surroundings appeared to shrink or else I seemed to be expanding and then suddenly everything was normal again.
I have meditated and I have asked my Guardian Angel for help but I just cannot seem to work out what my " Calling " is. This is beginning to really bug me. I know that I am here on earth for a reason but I just cannot figure out what it is that I am supposed to be doing.
I just know that there has to be more to my life than getting up in the morning, having breakfast, going to work, coming home, having supper, going to bed and then starting the whole boring routine all over again the next day, and the next and the next, etc, etc. I am in such a rut now that my days pass by without me even realising. I don't want to die having done nothing with my life. That would be a very sad waste of a God given gift.
Please could you give some advice on how I might go about the right way to find my true calling?
Thank you so much for your kind help.
shenreed (5/21/06 9:27 pm)
Re: I desperately need some advice, please.
Hi Thea,
As I read your post I was reminded of a mesasge that I got from my guides a couple of years ago. I'd like to share with you as I feel it will give you some insight. It simply stated...
"In healing and integrating our-selves, we not only fulfill our personal path, but we also establish the ability to fulfill our destiny path."
The journey on the outside begins with the journey to the inside. I wouldn't say anything more right now as I feel that you need to "feel" the true meaning of that message.
Reed
"Healing begins in the Heart"
Edited by: shenreed at: 6/1/06 8:06 am
mikesworld (5/31/06 8:23 pm)
Re: I desperately need some advice, please.
Hi Thea
I too used to desperately need to know my calling . As one person put it "I want to live the width of my life not just the length of it"
mikesworld (5/31/06 9:10 pm)
Re: I desperately need some advice, please.
Hi Thea
I too used to desperately need to know my calling . As one person put it "I want to live the width of my life not just the length of it".
There are many many awesome things happening on this planet as well as the terrible and I wanted to be in the thick of it . I wanted to join in the wonderful "callings" lots of other people like Gary Zukov are gifted with .
Oprah's most popular guest ever was Erin Tierney Kramp who had a "near death experience" and she said she was told her "role" was just to let the enormous love she was given to flow through her -- and she sure did , she had a huge effect on Oprah's 200 million tv audience .
Despite my best efforts to get going my life has stayed the same but the message finally got through -- this is what I came here to do with this life . What is happening is what was meant to and I'm experiencing what I need to experience and trying to be more than I am being .
I still want to roll up my sleeves and work "out there" but it's easier now that I'm trusting that my guardian angel , spirit guide and higher self , know what they are doing and therefore I'm not doing anything wrong .
Thanks for sharing the journey , fellow traveller . We all effect many other's lives , it's just a matter of how we do it.
Warmest Regards
Mike
Scuzzlebutt (6/2/06 7:22 am)
Re: I desperately need some advice, please.
I sypathise a whole lot. I am 35 and only recently have I discovered what it is that I really want to do. Nothing really interested me and I sank into a really deep depressive state. I often questioned what my life's purpose was, and I really do not know why, but only recently did I discover certain information concerning this very topic! Over the past 18 years I have learnt so much about spirituality, the soul, earth's and human history and development, care of the human body, extra-terrestrial involvement in human achievement and development - but NOT what direction I should take in life.
I have run the course in anger, frustration, hopelessness, tiredness and the feeling that life is passing me by time and time again. Over the past few months I have felt a non-human presence on the left hand side of my body and finally slow healing. I am definitely 'not yet up to scratch,' so to speak, but I am starting to see what could very possibly be my calling here on the earth plane.
My advice is as others here have also stated is to contact your Guardian Angels. I hated life so much for far too long.
shenreed (6/2/06 8:17 am)
Re: I desperately need some advice, please.
Hi Scuzzlebutt,
I just had to jump in here and say that I can feel where you are coming from but I have to say that it's not life that we hate.... it's the absence of life, or that which takes life, love and joy away from us that we hate....
That is why we here; we are searching for love and life...That is why we feel at a loss to know our direction or path, as the path of unconditional love and life is one that we have never trurly known. We no longer belong or fit into this Old World and the New World is one that we are only just begining to create...
What we will be doing here on Earth will be affecting (all) of creation and that is why more and more "beings" not of this World are being drawn here... from both sides.....
Reed
"Healing begins in the Heart"
Last edited by shenreed, 4/Oct/2006, 6:57 pm
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Hey there!
jannokas (9/2/06 7:55 pm)
Hey!
Very well said! What else could be the disappointment if not the lack of life...rather than the fullness of it. There are so many misperceptions like these, which all need to be corrected by someone as wise as you. Almost every day i learn a lesson so to speak and suddenly i realize that the only problems in my life so far were those subconscious messages. Once you're past one of them, it sure feels like a very heavy weight has been lifted.
Janno
shenreed (9/8/06 8:06 pm)
Re: Hey!
Hi Jannokas,
It's nice to meet you, and I must say that I feel like I know you..
It may sound strange, but I look for and welcome what people call problems. It has been my experience that when I truly deal with these issues in a real and self-loving way, that they are no longer problems, but stepping stones to a new awareness and a new found power within me that is no longer afraid of these old problems and in fact, the old problems cease to be a problem as they no longer exist. The more you deal with your fears, the more fear-less you become and not in the normal way of denying your fears and doing it anyway. I have found that denying a problem doesn't solve it, but merely makes us believe that it is. Denying the truth doesn't change the truth, just our perception of it.
Reed
"Healing begins in the heart"
MissLisa62 (9/9/06 7:16 am)
Re: Hey!
Hi Reed
I just wanted to say a big AMEN to what you have written!!
Big (((HUGZ))) to you
Lisa
Spiritual Awareness Forum
Embrace your past and prepare for your future by becoming aware of your present!
jannokas (9/9/06 8:16 pm)
Hey there!
It's funny you should say that, Reed, i feel that way too, like i have met you in person.
I'm gonna skip the (very worshipped) doubting thing here and simply agree with you.
It's very wise to enjoy problems. A bit perverted in a funny way .
At times i'm actually asking for more problems, because things seem to be too easy, but at times problems can be so unacceptable. Some problems can be so over-whelming that i feel as though i might not live through it. Sometimes panic simply takes over my head and causes such agony...that's when i find myself ALIVE. It doesn't seem all that rosy, when it's happening, but as i'm past it...then it all feels like a fairy-tale.
Perhaps you can tell me your birthdate (without the year if you wish), that might explain this feeling of familiarity?
Love and compassion.
Janno
shenreed (9/9/06 9:22 pm)
Re: Hey there!
Hi
My birthday is October 31, 1944 .... A Scorpian or a Monkey in Chineese astrology...
My feeling is that we have had several past lives including those as ET, Pleadian comes in strong... and speaking of Chinese astrology, I also feel chinese past lives there also...
As I'm writing this I keep getting he feeling that you are going to be coming into "silence".... I don't know what or when that will be, but I feel that it will be a stopping of space and time and in that you will experience the silence that will begin the transformation of your life and an awakening of who you are and your true purpose.
Expect the unexpected and when you are aware, follow your inner guidance and your heart and you will know what to do.
Well I didn't expect to give you a message but there you go.. expect the unexpected.
Shenreed
jannokas (9/10/06 6:17 pm)
HA!
What a lovely reply from you and what a marvellous thought of having known each other from Pleiades...when i think stuff like that it brings a tear into my eyes...tear of humbleness!
I checked your numerological report and you're living A VERY INTERESTING LIFE. It is in no way mediocre. Right now you are experiencing pinnacle number 1, the 4th and last pinnacle in your life. That normally indicates leadership. You are a leader of some kind. How cool!
You about the stopping of time...i'm already experiencing bits here and there...It's normally during moments of intense worry...suddenly things just stop...and i get this feeling like...who am i...where am i? You know...a feeling like i don't exist...
You know...perhaps you think i'm numb...but i honestly don't expect anything...do you think i should?
XxXxX
Janno
shenreed (9/10/06 7:20 pm)
Re: Ahhhh -HA!
Hi,
The silence I was getting and still am, is a moment quite the opposite of what you describe, in that you will know who you are and things beyond belief. You will see reality with a clarity that will be beyond words, you will see how it is and how it can be.
Thanks for the numerological report.. I was into that years ago, but I kind of gave it up as I moved to explore other things. I'm working on personal issues and also writing my 2nd and 3rd books that I'll be self publishing soon. It's interesting that you mention the 4th and last pinnacle in your life. As I read it I felt yes, it's ending, but it's not my life that is ending.... but what I thought life was... My REAL LIFE is about to begin, but it is the illusions of what I thought were love and life that are about to come to an end, not only for me but for everyone. REAL life (Bringing Heaven to Earth) is beginning, and that's what I'm working on now. Hummm, as I wrote that I felt how some people reading this post will say <<< EGO >>> but then I wouldn't be a leader if I didn't have one, would I?
I don't know any people that don't have some form of expectation... even me... As long as we still have our old imprints, programs and beliefs, we have expectations or to be more accurate (judgments and lost hopes, dreams and desires) The most common being how we fall short of the ideals we place on ourselves and how we would like the world to be.
Reed
jannokas (9/10/06 8:39 pm)
I'm speechless
Well this silence thing you are seeing would definitely come in handy as i'm starting to feel that i've suffered long enough in this info-vacuum. I feel as though god has cut off the flow of truth into me...(like a very important vein has been removed and there is not enough blood-flow). I would appreciate if god put that flow back on track. I'm pretty fed-up with having to always imagine that what is...instead of actually seeing it the way it really is.
I'm so glad this silence is the opposite of what i thought of. That proves again how incapable of understanding things i really am.
Without an EGO you wouldn't even be alive...LOL...but i don't think it's a bad thing to advertise yourself. What is your first book called?
Can also tell me what you mean by this sentence:
'The most common being how we fall short of the ideals we place on ourselves and how we would like the world to be.'
Do you mean that there are not enough ideals out there to live by?
Thank you Shenreed!
Love.
Jan
shenreed (9/11/06 9:55 am)
Re: I'm speechless
Hi again,
What I meant by, "The most common being how we fall short of the ideals we place on ourselves and how we would like the world to be" is actually not ideals per-say, but ideals and expectations that are in reality disguised self-hatred and denials. I hate my body, hair, teeth, weight, strength, being a man, a woman, a child, old, sick, etc. etc. We disguise these self-hatreds with a so-called more loving and positive approach; like I'm going to take care of myself and lose weight. I'm going to recite affirmations that I love my body. I'm going to make myself get better and not be sick. I'm going to remain young and get that surgery. I'm going to dye my hair. yadda, yadda, yadda.
Like I said in the beginning of this thread, it's not life that we hate, it's the absence of life. In denying and not dealing with our REAL issues, we put up a false face and pretend that everything is fine. There are two polarities at work here, where we (like the movie Pleasantville) politely and nicely mouth superficial rhetoric expressing how we and our world are fine and OK, or we ***** at our life and world and how we would like it to change. What we fail to see is that in both cases we create our reality, not in Love and Truth, but by our denials and self-hatred.
There are tons of lofty ideals and worthy causes out there but what they all lack is (Unconditional) Love and what they all have in common is denial and (conditional) love, and denial and condition love doesn't have the ability to face and deal with the real issues and causes. Until denial and self-hatred are exposed for what they really are, society will continue to go around in circles, trying and re-trying countless ideals of how the world should be, yet blindly unaware that they are actually coming from a place of unlovingness, "trying" (key word) to create a world that is loving, abundant and at peace, yet destroying it at the same time. Dah.... wake up! That has never.... and will never work.... Hitler had that ideal as does Bush.....as does nearly all of society.
"Food for thought"
Reed
jannokas (9/11/06 3:36 pm)
Reply ...
It's all true, most of the time on this planet is spent on conditioning everything. I admit, i spend a lot of time looking in the mirror and thinking: i wish i was taller or better looking and all that. I know the reason for this is the fact that i don't feel fully incorporated into this thing called life. I feel that i am not accepted unconditionally. The first thought is always...there must be something wrong with me. And that's natural. At least it has been so far. But there is no way that i find this acceptable. I do not like the way things work. I don't know how to approach my 'not-being-accepted-ness'. Thanks to this issue i am quite withdrawn a lot of the time. I do not feel that i want to go out and talk to people. I can only enjoy myself alone with my piano. Or well...there are slight good moments at work. From my personal point of view i do not know how to apply unconditional love. My progress in life is at its own certain pace. There is no way that i could go out right now and declare unconditional love...because i haven't seen it.
And i believe that's the case with most people as well. They just don't know what is this 'unconditional love'. Everyone has their own personal lessons in life and somehow things fall into place by themselves. So all the while...when evolving towards that dream of unconditional love becoming a reality...people experience conditions...so they can differ their true selves (unconditional) from that which they are experiencing. But it will all happen at a very slow rate. On a mass scale people need a hero...someone they can compare themselves with and say...this guy is so amazing...and hey, he believes in the same stuff as me...wooowww...i must be something special. But for anyone to be that hero, they need to first feel that unconditional love themselves...and the shift can begin.
Just my humble thought. Correct me where you see wrong.
Janno
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Unconditional Love
shenreed (9/11/06 6:08 pm)
Unconditional Love
I hear and feel you...It wasn't until August of 2000 that I finally experienced unconditional love for the first time in my existence and it was me that was finally giving it to me. Since then, my life has completly turned around and I can't go back even if I wanted to.
Those of us that FEEL, search for love and acceptance but are denied love and are rejected and are told that we are wrong for having such feelings while those among us that don't feel are oblivious to feelings and emotions are the ones that appear to be loved and accepted for their denial based lifestyle. Life to them is a bowl of cherries or a piece of apple pie as some Spirit Polarity humans have told me. Feelings and emotions to them are to be used and controlled to get what you want and to make the most out of what you have while you are alive. Problem is that those of us that feel, try to be like those that don't and because denial of our feelings and emotions is not our natural state of being, we struggle and eventually fail and then to make matters worse, we blame ourselves for our failure.
There is a new energy, a new vibration coming to Earth and it's called Unconditional Love. All denial based Humans and those pretending to be Human will be moving off the Earth Plane to their right place. There will no longer be the mixing of those that seek Love, Light and Life and those that don't. Ending personal denials and self-hatred is the step that will begin to bring these changes into manifestation. One by one, as each person awakens their Heart Centre to the truth, they will be anchoring this new vibration into the Earth and as they do they will in turn affect others that are ready to awaken.
Shenreed
"Healing begins in the Heart"
jannokas (9/11/06 6:48 pm)
Unconditional Love
Your reply put a sense of calm into my heart, a sense of real belonging. I admit...i am desperately looking forward to this beautiful time, when unconditional love finally reaches us.
Do you really think there can ever be such a separation? Could it be true that 'god' made a mistake and mixed us feeling-people and the not-feeling people by accident? I always thought that this is life: having to always defend myself, because there is always someone, who will want to tear me down. I'm sure they don't mean to...it's nobody's intention, but that's how i feel.
Can i ask you a personal question?
Could you tell me what went on in your life before the August 2000? I mean, what brought you to finally experience unconditional love? Did you finally open up after intense suffering or did this happen just suddenly...overnight...without warning? I'm afraid of this suffering thing you know...i have felt enough of it and i feel i might not survive any more bad feelings.
Janno
shenreed (9/11/06 8:55 pm)
Re: Unconditional Love
It's interesting that you mention that God made a mistake as Christians acknowledge a war in the Heavens and the existence of Lucifer and evil and sin in creation, but insist that God is perfect and unconditional love. Even as a child I questioned that simpleton belief because the hypocrisy of it bugged me even then.
I'm not saying that God made a mistake on purpose, but what happened in creation was not what God had planned or there would not have been the conflict there was and is... BUT, having said that, on the other hand, in order to know what love and life are, you also have to know what love and life are not... and the only way to know is to experience it without the foreknowledge of what you are about to experience otherwise you would know what and why you were doing what you are and it wouldn't be the same experience.
So now that God has realized and KNOWS what that experience created, and what love and life are, he has now choosen another blueprint for creation and this time with Unconditional Love and life for those that so choose.
You also said, "there is always someone, who will want to tear me down. I'm sure they don't mean to...it's nobody's intention, but that's how i feel."
Well I have some good news for you on that point and how you can change that. First off, there are those who have unloving intent and they do it knowingly. Then there are those others that feel, (like you and I) but are in denial and they do it unknowingly. One is evil essence and in denial and the other is love essence but also in denial and as such, becomes what I call the doer of evil. BUT, it really doesn't matter who is attacking you as the energy is the same and it feels just as unloving coming from one or the other.
When you FEEL you are being attacked, don't DENY your feelings and intuition and simply ask, "What is your intent?" If they are attacking you and want to control you, they (being unloving) and in denial will not be able to tell you the truth... They are not going to tell you that they are out to control, manipulate and belittle you as then you will have a choice as to allow it or now. They will lie and say something other than the truth to try to confuse you and get you to think that they are really nice and that you are wrong. Now they are the ones caught in their lie and denial and they can't come back on you and attact you as that would mean having to tell the truth and reveal that they lied.
Usually if the person is of Love essence but in denial, your direct question usually activates an acknowledgement of their true intent while a person of unloving essence will continue to deny their true intent. I think you get the drift of where I'm coming from. Try it and see and feel for yourself the power of Unconditional Love when we end our denials of ourselves.
To find a bit about my journey you can click on this link to one of my web sites....My Manuscript
Reed
"Healing begins in the Heart"
jannokas (9/12/06 3:29 pm)
Nice
This is certainly new to me. I thought everyone were loving...i thought the evil-essence is my own imagination...bad upbringing or something like that. Wow...i just don't know what to say. I never ever would have thought that i may be perfect as i am. Perhaps once or twice in my life. But not to that extent. This kind of realization is bound to come to me one way or the other...isn't it? I still live in this immature world thinking everyone are good people and i'm just imagining all this negativity and stuff. Cooooollll!
Will you publish your book? I can't wait to be able to buy it.
XxX
Janno
Last edited by shenreed, 3/Oct/2006, 4:31 pm
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New World thoughts and ideas
shenreed (9/12/06 5:06 pm)
New World
You, me and less that 1/2 of the worlds population are not immature, just ignorant as we have been handed this crap and we have eaten it up as the truth. What really confuses us is that these very same "feeders" are disguised and NICE, KIND and LOVING people wanting only what is best for us or to protect us.. "Beware the wolf in sheeps clothing" Does BUSH ring a bell here? He is one of the more powerful puppets on the world stage in the moment. Key word "puppet" as he is not really one of the KEY ones that are in control, but at the same time he is one of them.
What happens in reality is that these "others" feed off of our energy and they can only do that if they can keep us in denial and to do that they use our denied fears to activate us. Energy vampires are what they are... BUT once we end our denials, guess what? Their food source dries up... and once their food source is gone....Hummmm?
There's more, a lot more and I can write a dozen books about the things I have experienced and the insights I have gained and I'm just on the tip of the so-called proverbial ice burg.
Check out Saysame - My Blog
as I've been into a lot of this stuff the past few weeks. You might also want to check out this thread on this board if you haven't already done so at . Emotionally, mentally, spiritually.... wore out!!.. http://p092.ezboard.com/fspiritualawareness84170frm7.showMessage?topicID=103.topic
Welcome.... to the NEW WORLD!
Reed
"Healing begins in the Heart"
PS: And yes I'll be self publishing my books in the near future... The first one will be a "how to" book sharing all the self-empowerment tools that I have discovered and use.
Page 2
jannokas (9/12/06 7:21 pm)
New world
In the new world i can see Eeevvery being knowing they can change the state of the world in an instant they wish for it. These new world beings are higly naturistic - working very very close with the nature. Right now these beings exist, but there are also those beings that do not know the power of their intent/thought/will and hence cause a lot of damage. From my point of view, people like G. Bush are simply not self-aware. They are designed to challenge the world. He is enjoying a ride that was created to do just that - cause havoc in the world. I am not seeing why the havoc part is necessary...
Do you agree that thought obeys feeling?
Janno
shenreed (9/12/06 9:50 pm)
New World and thoughts and feelings
Hi Again,
I feel you are confusing the New World with the Old World, the one as it presently exists. By New World I mean that the Physical World (Earth) as it exists will continue and it will change and be healed as you described, and a new blueprint of imprints, programs and beliefs will be created not only for Earth but all of Creation that desires life.
What will be moving off this planet are the Old world imprints, programs and beliefs that do not fit into the new blueprint. These old imprints, programs and beliefs can't be changed or destroyed as nothing created can really be destroyed to the point that it doesn't exist because the mere remembering that it existed, gives it existence. These old imprints, programs and beliefs along with all the Humans and all current life forms in creation that supports them will be moved to where they can continue to experience them, including G.W.Bush. There will be a separation, and the polarities of love and unlovingess will no longer be mixed together as they presently are and everyone will be accommodated and put in their right place.
I'm not sure what you mean when you ask, "Do you agree that thought obeys feeling?"
What thoughts and what feelings do you mean as there are imprints, programs and beliefs as well as ideas and concepts that can be considered thought. There are also the thoughts of our inner critic, guilt, shame and our guides and other entities that are not our thoughts but we think they are. Then there are also real and false feelings and our intuition and emotions that are sometimes labeled as feelings. And to complicate matters even more, we also have feelings and emotions that we pick up from others that are not ours and again we think they are...
Reed
Edited by: shenreed at: 9/13/06 8:38 am
jannokas (9/13/06 6:45 pm)
New World and thoughts and feelings
What a marvellous reply from you! Well, one thing i respect about you scorpios is that you get straight to the core of things. I guess i asked you the question on quite a superficial level. When i asked you if 'thought obeys feeling' i meant to ask which one is more powerful...feeling or thought? When you put the power of feelings next to the power of thoughts, then which one dominates the other? I know they exist in perfect harmony, but in the end of the day i bleieve the feeling plane is on a much higher frequency than thought. The feelings are so real, whether thoughts are like 'a dream' (i know that a dream is a thought as well, but you know what i mean). I mean to say that feelings mean much more to me than thoughts.
You probably think 'hey, this is irrelevant', but at this time it means a lot to me...i'm still trying to portray things in my spirits eye.
I believe i got your idea about the New World and i'm right behind you with that, because it makes all the sense to me.
I should actually thank you for taking your time and replying to me, because you are probably quite a busy man. So thank you!!!
I'm still reading your chat with MissLisa under this thread 'Mentally, spiritually...wore-out'. It's just amazing. There is so much happening, it's like watching a spiritual movie.
Your friend,
Janno
Last edited by shenreed, 3/Oct/2006, 4:34 pm
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I'm confused
jannokas (9/13/06 7:53 pm)
i'm confused...
MethuselahX mentioned in his latest reply under that firy thread that Jan is somehow an 'evil' name. Because you understand this much more than i do, perhaps you could explain to me what it could possibly mean? I'm not afraid of evil, but i am afraid of being considered ignorant...i admit...
XxX
Janno
shenreed (9/13/06 9:07 pm)
Re: i'm confused...
Hi
Join the club.
Just because someone makes a statement and claims it's the truth doesn't make it the truth, even if you don't understand. While I may not understand what he says, I do know what he is. There's an old saying, "Bull**** baffles brains, but it can never fool your feelings". I think that also reinforces a statement you made in the last post.
Reed
"Healing begins in the heart"
jannokas (9/14/06 2:06 pm)
Re: i'm confused...
You're right...LOL. My brains were indeed baffled!
You know i would also like to say that i thought about what you've been saying in your posts and how it all influences other people. I have to tell you just in case you're not aware of it. It's your leader qualities that drive you to see things in a very fixed point of view. Nothing evil in that. I have to remind you though that even leaders have to learn the art of speech and how it comes across. I'm sure you are already there and you know it, but wanted to say it just in case.
Another thing is that as you like to tap into people's dark sides, then that's what you get - a lot of that dark side.
See if you tapped into my 'dark side' what you will get is myself in my most basic and probably quite an angry version...that 21 year old kid with a lot on his mind... See i believe in the same tactics as you, i believe it's important to tap into the dark side form time to time and challenge it. To my partner it may seem as though i'm fighting him with no cause, but really i know this confrontation will bring new answers and new set of things. I am quite confrontation shy, but i do believe in it.
Janno
jannokas (9/14/06 2:49 pm)
Re: i'm confused...
And also related to my last post is the common fact about scorpios - you guys don't like to repress any of your feelings. But you know there are certain feelings that don't deserve any attention. When i'm reading your posts i feel you as though i know you very closely. It's just my observation in life so far. My mother is a scorpio as well and you know she went off the deep end by paying too much attention to that dark side. I'm not telling you to deny yourself, but just keep in mind that even god makes mistakes (tha't's why god created this word...LOL). Some deep emotions are best kept as what they are and not analyze them. You can't always expect perfection.
I hope you don't see me as a muck, but as just my humble self sharing my observations with you.
Janno
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Re: Jannokas Journey (posted by John aka Shenreed)
shenreed (9/14/06 3:16 pm)
Being Real
Hi again,
I watched my P's and Q's all my life or until a few years ago... I tried to mind read what people were thinking and wanted, what they wanted to hear and how I should say it and when, and what I was to do or not do and how and when to do it, yadda, yadda, yadda, but you know what... I could NEVER please them...and I always blamed myself and if I blamed them, I would then feel guilty, thinking I was just ignorant and being unloving...
Then I had an awakening and I have since discovered that I am not any more responsible for other people feelings and interpretations of what I say than they are of my feelings and interpretations of what they say to me. Meaning that they should watch their P's and Q's around me and not offend me or hurt my feelings.... and then I wouldn't offend them and hurt their feelings...
I don't "like" tapping into peoples "so-called" dark sides, I just do it as simply as if I were taking a breath and I have to say it's not always dark... If I pick up on their ENERGY, I feel it and know what it is and what I need to do.
You are not DARK but you have darkness within and about you BUT that darkness is not you or your energy....but is being held in your energy field by your denials of your feelings, emotions and intuition that you ignorantly call dark.
Let me give you a physical example. Suppose you were offered something to eat and your intuition was telling you that it was not a good idea, that it will make you sick. But the person was nearly nice to you and convincing and so you decided to give the person giving you the bad food, the benefit of the doubt instead of giving the benefit of the doubt to your intuition. You ate the food (took in to your body, your energy field) and almost immediately you began to feel sick to your stomach... Is your intuition dark and evil for having tried to warn you? Is your stomach dark and evil because it is making you feel sick, or is it also trying to tell you that you took in something that was not good.
The same holds true when we are taking about feelings, emotions and intuition.... When we feel something is wrong and unloving and we don't express (DENY) what we are feeling, we not only "take in" the unloving every, but we also add to it by denying this part of us that wants to warn us that it doesn't feel good, to accept this unloving energy into our energy field.
We as so imprinted and programmed that we truely believe that though acts of self-sacrifice, kindness, niceness and compromising, we can change this evil unloving energy into loving energy that wouldn't hurt us... That's part of the illusion we call Life.
Now getting back to the example. What if you had listened to your intuition and said no to the person that was trying to give you the bad food. Saying "no" in this case is self-love by lovingly expressing yourself and not unlovingly denying yourself. If the person kept trying to convince you and you said "no" again but they didn't listen and in their niceness they are actually trying to force you to eat what you know is bad... What would it take, and how far would you go to remain true to your feelings and intuition? ...Maybe to the point of getting lovingly angry and telling the person to "@#%$ off"... If you gave in to their demands, you would knowing be causing yourself harm.. and where is the love in that?
"Food for thought"
Reed
"Healing begins in the Heart"
jannokas (9/14/06 3:35 pm)
Being Real
I have been through the exact same thing as you and well...LOL...still am going through it, i certainly odn't see myself above you. I'm watching my P's and Q's now, but you know i feel that i don't deny myself the freedom of feeling what i have to. Very often i feel very guilty about having shown the full spectrum of my so called dark side to my partner, but i have learnt not to take it so seriously anymore.
Well i have a real life example to your sandwich analogy. My partner likes to buy reduced sandwiches from a nearby store and sometimes he tries to convince me to eat them, while he craftily eats the fresh ones, but my inner voice has always told me to reject them sandwiches...i don't know why, but i just know i don't want them. Perhaps they've gone off or something, i always say a very resolute NO to him though he is a very kind person i just know what's best for me.
Janno
shenreed (9/14/06 4:01 pm)
Re: Being Real
Hi,
Well you've addressed the physical sandwiches, but you've side-stepped and denied expressing your REAL feelings and intuition to your partner that you know "he craftily eats the fresh ones" while trying to make you eat ____? So what is that saying about your partner?... Oh yea.. I forgot... you said, "he is a very kind person" .. What is that saying about your relationship? "Food for thought"
I says it like it is.. not like you want to hear...
Reed
"Healing begins in the Heart"
Edit Note: If you're wondering where this thread goes after the next post, you can click on this link Questions & Answers > Unusual Question
Edited by: shenreed at: 9/19/06 7:02 am
jannokas (9/14/06 4:11 pm)
Re: Being Real
Well you are right. I honestly don't know what that says about our relationship though...
Thank you for saying it the way it is. Respect!
Janno
The conversation in this thread ended here... but it re-surfaced under...
Spiritual Awareness >>> Questions & Answers >>> Unusual Question
http://p092.ezboard.com/fspiritualawareness84170frm12.showMessage?topicID=57.topic
Last edited by shenreed, 3/Oct/2006, 2:01 pm
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3/Oct/2006, 1:54 pm
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Unusual Question.
Spiritual Awareness > Questions & Answers > Unusual Question
Page 1
ashleighw (5/31/06 8:15 am)
Unusual Question
Hi there,
I recently started communicationg with my Spirit Guides through meditation. As I am just a beginner I have been researching and am finding myself with a lot of questions. An unusual thing I was thinking about last night...how does it work with Spirit Guides and people who seem to be of pure evil (such as rapists, psychos, serial killers etc). Surely these people didn't choose this life path with their Guides before they were reincarnated. And can their Spirit Guides no intervene to stop the person committing such horrible things? I understand a person free will, but surely Divinity can intervene to stop evil?
Does anyone have any theories on this one?
Thank you in advance
shenreed (5/31/06 5:21 pm)
Re: Unusual Question
Hi ashlighw,
Your thoughts and questions are not unusual, they are just pointing you in the direction that you need to explore more fully. I'm not going to give you any obvious answers as they would serve no purpose but what I will give you is some food for thought.
What makes you think that rapists, psychos, serial killers etc. are not connected with their guides and that they have choosen their life which includes over-riding their personal Wills and the free Will of others wherever and when ever possible. And (this is important) just because a person is so-called loving, nice and positive, that doesn't mean that they are not also involved in over-riding their personal Will and the free Will of others. Both forms are unloving, one is obvious and blatant while the other is more crafty and secretive.... one leaves physical evidence while the other concentrates on destroying the soul, the Will, from within.
Shenreed
"Healing begins in the Heart"
Edited by: shenreed at: 6/1/06 8:17 am
jannokas (9/14/06 2:33 pm)
Re: Unusual Question
I would like to drift off the topic and challenge that thought and say i don't believe that such a thing as destroying spirit is possible, because spirit just 'is' and destroying can only be there, where there is birth and spirits are not born...they simply 'are'...always witnessing that which 'is'.
Janno
shenreed (9/14/06 3:45 pm)
Re: Unusual Question
Hi,
You sure do get around don't you...
Well, you are off topic and as I never made any comments regarding your new topic, I see no challenge or need for one. If you are asking me what I think and believe in this moment, that is a different energy and a different situation.
You beliefs are your beliefs,,, and YOU need to challenge them to find out if they are true for you or not.. not me... May I suggest that before we continue this thread, that you give your "challenge " some deep thought, feeling and reflection and tear it apart, find the flaws, instead of defending them as truths. If it withstands being challenged, it is of love and the truth. If it changes, you will have learned something.
Reed
Edit Note: If you are wondering where this thread started you can click on this link Questions & Answers > I desperately need some advice, please
Edited by: shenreed at: 9/19/06 7:05 am
jannokas (9/14/06 4:01 pm)
Re: Unusual Question
That's very good advice. I haven't given this much thought, but it felt right. You know. I felt i had to correct this, because you said this exact thing and i believe you needed to be corrected there. I think you make things a little bit complicated by saying that there are such beings that are crafty and who are out to destroy spirit. Well you know i can't say i have ever met such people in person. Where are they? Who are they? Are they real?
I have met what you call the 'energy vampires'...they are these certain types that no matter how hard you try...you simply can't reason with them, you never get the loving vibe off them.
Janno
shenreed (9/14/06 5:20 pm)
Re: Unusual Question
Hi again,
You present a challenge and then say, "I haven't given this much thought"
You say, "i believe you needed to be corrected there"
Then you comment, "I think you make things a little bit complicated by saying that there are such beings that are crafty and who are out to destroy spirit."
Having said all that, you now go on to state and ask...."Well you know i can't say i have ever met such people in person. Where are they? Who are they? Are they real?"
And you finish your post by answering your own question, "I have met what you call the 'energy vampires'...they are these certain types that no matter how hard you try...you simply can't reason with them, you never get the loving vibe off them."
So exactly what is it that I need to be corrected on and what did I complicate that you don't understand as you seem to perfectly be aware of what I said and meant by asking me a question and then answering it..
I feel you need to take a break and like I said earlier,,, do some inner soul searching and reflecting on what you already know and feel.... but are unaware of.
Reed
"Healing begings in the Heart"
Edited by: shenreed at: 9/14/06 5:28 pm
Last edited by shenreed, 3/Oct/2006, 3:12 pm
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3/Oct/2006, 2:58 pm
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Being Real
jannokas (9/16/06 7:07 pm)
Being real
I've got to express this emotion. It's nothing personal at you dear Shenreed.
I feel that with that last reply of yours you channeled some dark energy at me. After all the very pleasant conversations we had it felt like you cut me down a bit because i used this word 'challenge'. Can i ask you what kind of feelings did you feel when you wrote that last reply to me?
Janno
shenreed (9/16/06 8:44 pm)
Re: Being real
In your challenge question you mentioned destroying Spirit. I never used the word Spirit in the post you were referring to, I said Soul... and they are NOT one and the same and since you didn't pick up on, and question that, I felt I wasn't challenged as you were not even on the same page as I was.
You then come back with, "i believe you needed to be corrected there." and then you ask and answer your own question to which I reply, "So exactly what is it that I need to be corrected on and what did I complicate that you don't understand as you seem to perfectly be aware of what I said and meant by asking me a question and then answering it.."
I was asking you a direct question as to your intent and also stating that you, not I, was confused and if you took that as dark energy or cutting you down... so be it... but that was not my intent... but neither was I going to deny what I knew and felt and be unloving to myself, by trying to get you off of YOUR merry-go-round of confusion. I then suggested "again," "I feel you need to take a break and like I said earlier,,, do some inner soul searching and reflecting on what you already know and feel.... but are unaware of."
I enjoyed... and enjoy, our conversations as I feel you are Love essence, curious and searching, and as real as you can be. If I would have felt you were otherwise, we would never have had these conversations and you wouldn't have any doubts about what I said or meant.
Reed
"Healing begins in the Heart"
jannokas (9/17/06 7:28 pm)
Being real
Well i recognize love when i see it and you have certainly channeled it towards me. I feel much better now.
I've gotta admit my problem here - i genuinely thought soul and spirit are the same thing. In Estonian soul and spirit are expressed with one word. Could you explain the difference between them two?
I am heeding your advice and doing soul searching. I've been through quite a number of life's lessons just recently and couldn't imagine my day without meditation. In fact i'm just about to start a session now.
Lotsa love back at ya!
Janno
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Spirit and Soul
shenreed (9/17/06 9:33 pm)
Spirit and Soul
Hi again,
There is a lot of confusion between Soul and Spirit and I feel that it was done on purpose to keep us confused and ignorant. Most people deem them to be one and the same and they use the words interchangeably even in the bible. They are not the same anymore than brain and mind are the same. Present society emphasizes that the brain or Mind is superior and is therefore the controller of both our body and emotions (again more confusion) The brain is the physical organ in your body that houses the essence of our mind, our Spirit consciousness. This erroneous belief is also linked to the confusion of Spirit and Soul and is part of the cause of the constant inner battle we find ourselves in.
The following are some of Spirit and Souls respective qualities.
Spirit: Male, electric, thoughts, ideas, reason, knowledge, right side, giving, exhale, push out
Soul: Female, Magnetic, intuitive, feelings, emotions, knowing, left side, receiving, inhale, take in.
Spirit and Soul are separate, yet intrinsically connected. They can be compared to our present knowledge and use of electricity and magnetism. Where there is one, you will find the other. If you have a magnetic filed and you move it, you create and electric force and current. When you have an electric force and current flowing or moving, you also have a magnetic field. Whenever there is movement in one, there is always movement in another, but there is always the exception.
When we have an OBE (Out Of Body Experience) or we do Astral Travel, we do so with our Spirit. While a large portion of Spirit has left the body, it leaves a portion behind and is still attached to the body via a silver chord by which it (a) maintains a Life force presence in the brain in harmony with the Soul to keep the body alive by maintaining the functions of Heart, Lungs and vital organs, etc.(b) The chord is also the way for Spirit to return into the Body. While I've only briefly touched on Spirit and Soul, we also have to consider Heart and Body as coequal parts of our being.
I also want to leave you with some disturbing "food for thought." A person dies when there is either no longer sufficient Soul and Spirit essence left in the body for Spirit to maintain life, or Spirit has chosen to leave either prematurely or by agreement. When a person dies, it is the Spirit consciousness that leaves first taking ALL of its essence including the chord and it's ability to return and in so doing it shuts down all the electric functions of the Body. Although there is still LIFE in the Body, when Spirit leaves it basically leaves the Soul, Heart and Body without a means to function and although they are still CONSCIOUS, aware and feeling, they can not move, speak or express themselves or continue to maintain life without Spirit present. Heart leaves next but Soul has a hard time moving out of the body without Spirit Presence and it takes from three to five days for all of the Soul essence to leave the Body and as it does, those parts of the body start to decay and de-compose and return to the Elements of which it is made.
Have you ever wondered why the medical community is so quick to "harvest" organs from a person that has just died? When doctors do organ transplants, they don't use parts of a body that are de-composing because there is no LIFE left in it. They don't put dead body parts into a living body...they put living body parts into a living body... They are harvesting body parts that still have Life (Soul essence) in it. That also means that when a person is so-called clinically dead, the dead person's Soul and Body FEEL the pain of being cut open and dismembered, but are unable to speak or move. This is the Living Dead. Doctors even keep so-called BRAIN dead people on artificial life support and even harvest beating hearts in order to ensure a "living" and healthy heart.
And you thought these Doctors are nice people that are there to help and heal us. There have been documented cases of where the organ recipient has felt the emotions and memories of the donor. I got a bit off track, but it's also related and important.
John
"Healing begins in the Heart"
Spirit (inspires) by idea or thought. Soul (opens space) to allow the thought to move into creation. Heart feels (love) about what Spirit and Soul are creating. And Body (Form) is the vehicle by which it can all be expressed and experienced.
jannokas (9/18/06 7:27 pm)
Spirit and Soul
Hi John,
Thanks a lot for this superb insight.
Don't you reckon that knowing as subtle as that can only emerge in time...through evolution? This is very delicate knowledge and not a lot of people can understand this, hence the reason why the confusion.
You have also answered my question which i asked you in a different thread (''which one dominates the other - thought or feeling'') - i suppose it's the male (thought) which is more domineering, but don't worry i am under no illusions about the balance.
Do you believe that doctors are nearly as conscious of the cosmos as are you and i? I seriously doubt that, if they knew that they were actually removing organs out of a body which can feel pain like any other living, they would still go on and do it.
Actually does that kind of pain matter anyways? If there is no spirit to register pain, then who (exactly) cares? It goes unnoticed really...doesn't it? I understabd that soul is there, but how much do i feel what the soul feels if the spirit (which i reckon is the closest thing to me) has left.
Excuse my brutality, i'm more than certain you will correct me.
Janno
shenreed (9/18/06 8:14 pm)
Re: Spirit and Soul
You said, "Actually does that kind of pain matter anyways? If there is no spirit to register pain, then who (exactly) cares?"
Does that mean that if a tree falls in a forest.. it doesn't make a sound because no one is there to hear it?
You missed the point... Soul and body can still feel, they just can't let you or anyone else know they do...
Imagine that your body is completly paralized and that your heart and breathing have stopped and your eyes do not dialate to light... But you can still hear and see (if your eyes are open... but you can't move them) and feel things that the doctors are doing to your body but you can't communicate to them. You can't scream in pain or move away, you just FEEL it... without the ability to express what you feel becasue Spirit is gone...
That's also what basically happens in real life when you deny your intuition, feelings and emotions their expression...they still feel, it's only this so-called superior Mind (Spirit) that chooses what he feels and doesn't feel. If the emotions or physical pain is too much for him, he may just @#%$ off and go unconscious. And after it's all over and he comes back, he arrogantly says, "What pain, what emotions, I didn't feel a thing?" Yea, he's the MAN.... the BIG macho man... that will bravely and gladly let the Soul and Body feel and deal with what he wants to deny...... the unloving ass-hole...
Dah! And you wonder why we have this inner struggle with our feelings and emotions and illness in our body. Time for Spirit to take responsibility for his DENIALS, and his UNLOVINGNESS to the other parts of his being.
"Food for thought"
Reed
jannokas (9/19/06 3:57 pm)
Spirit and Soul
I see exactly what you mean.
Then again though, the nerves were created to keep us out of physical damage and physical damage takes place in one life time, which is a changing factor, it doesn't stay like that. But the spirit always stays the same...if you had the choice...would you bare 'right now' in excruciating pain or would you choose not to feel it? I'm sure you would choose the latter as well, because at the time it would be the 'reasonable' thing to do. Personally i prefer to 'stand and fight' - feel all of it. It has made all the sense to ''be-have'' that way. (be-have = behave)
Let's turn the level of difficulty down a few knots here and i would like to ask you - how much does all this affect us? How much do i feel of the souls pain...where abouts inside that process am i? Am i the integrated result of soul's, heart's, spirit's and body's work or ... where?
''Food for thought''
Jan
shenreed (9/19/06 6:07 pm)
Re: Spirit and Soul
Hi again,
I'm not picking on you, but while you may say that you "see exactly" what I mean, you do not understand or know... or you would not be making the comments you are. Understanding and knowing come from exerience, and experience comes from appling that which you know and understand.
Again, you have more confusion as our "nerves" are merely our electrical connections that send and receive electrical signals to and from our brain, muscles, organs... and also include our body senses of sight, hearing, taste, smell and physical touch. Our nerves have nothing to do with our intuition, emotions, or Soul for that matter as they are controlled by Spirit... Someone saying they have a case of nerves and that that is why they are frightened or feeling anxious are ... (I have no words....) Well maybe there is one or two.. "Bull @#%$"....
You ask, "would you bare 'right now' in excruciating pain or would you choose not to feel it?" ....My response to that is why would I let myself be in a situation where I would be experiencing pain? If I followed my intuition, it... and not my nerves, will keep me safe...
If however I followed my Spirits imprints, programs and beliefs, and DENIED my intuition when it was saying that this will cause pain... then your question is valid as yes, Spirit goofed up again, he didn't listen and the body is suffering the consequences of his unloving indifference, and, again, true to his reputation, of course he'd like to get out of feeling the pain he got himself and everyone else into and, like always, he doesn't take responsibility for HIS choices of overriding his Intuition or Body, and will proclaim, that it's not his fault....
This affects not just us, but the entire universe...
You feel, but you have yet to truly feel and understand what it is you are feeling and why.. You have the potential... as do we all do, to integrate our Spirit, Soul, Heart and body... and we also have "free Will" ....choice as to whether we do it in this life time or ..... in the next ones... Note I said ones....
Reed
PS: I was going to wait and see until the next post, but that would be giving you the benefit of the doubt instead of my Intuition that says, it's time to cut you loose. I have given you years of experience and insights and it is now time for you to study them and to do your own inner searching to see if what I have said is true for you and to apply those that are... to your personal life. It is of no use for me to continue to give you more.... until you understand and can apply, what has already been given...
That doesn't mean that I am refusing to communicate with you .. it just means that I will no longer be feeding you information that you are unable to digest at the present time.
jannokas (9/19/06 7:41 pm)
Spirit and Soul
Ok thanks a lot.
Jan
jannokas (9/20/06 4:11 pm)
Re: Spirit and Soul
Just so you'd know everything you shared with me hasn't gone unappreciated, i have integrated all of your knowledge into my system and it's all proving very useful indeed. I am eternally grateful!
Just to clear that out...yes you are picking on me...but you just don't know that i'm not a polite person. I also get this feeling that you reckon knowledge is exclusive...like only the old and experienced are allowed to know things...i hope i'm wrong?
Janno
shenreed (9/20/06 5:32 pm)
Re: Spirit and Soul
If like you say, you have integrated all of the knowledge that I've shared with you and you are finding that it is proving very useful to you, for which you are eternally grateful; and... if that is the truth, then I would have to disregard your latter comments. If however, your latter comments are the truth, then that negates what you said in the beginning, and you have learned nothing. Again... either you are confused.... or... you are now showing that you are a liar... so which is it?
I don't need to be stroked and praised for what I share and unless there is "feeling" in the words, the words are cold and empty... A simple thanks, that is heart felt...speaks volumes. I did not "feel" anything in your words of praise, so they are simply "words". I did feel a slight anger and resentment in your latter statements, but only you know what feelings and emotions I was triggering in you as they are your feelings, not mine. Is the anger and resentment that I am triggering in you, reminding you of your father, mother, or an older person in your past that you have unresolved issues with? Questions you need to ask yourself as you do your inner soul searching.
Reed
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3/Oct/2006, 3:04 pm
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Scared and Very Sad
jannokas (9/20/06 7:27 pm)
scared
You are scaring me...
I feel a lot of anger right now...i don't know why...i blame you...you are so complicated. I'm not sure anymore if you are a friend or foe...
I didn't praise, i added that just in case you believe that i don't deserve to receive your knowledge...does that make sense? You might have thought that i didn't take anything you had written seriously...i don't think i could deal with more than just knowledge, i feel that you are far too complicated...
I am actually quite bothered now...
Janno
shenreed (9/20/06 9:43 pm)
Re: scared
If you are feeling anger and truly don't know why... you can use meditation to find the cause and begin to heal it.. BUT... only if REAL healing is your intent.
There is nothing wrong with anger and rage as they are there to protect us. Like a woman about to be raped, that turns and fights with a strength she never knew she had, and fights off the person that is evil and unloving that was going to violate her.
What is dangerous and unloving is denied anger and rage. Say that the same woman was raped, but she couldn't express her anger when it was happening and she denied it. Years later a man innocently stops to ask her directions because he is lost, and she attacks him with fury and vengeance, because he said something that reminded her of the guy that attacked and raped her years before... That's unloving denied anger and rage lies hidden and smoldering and is eating away at the person from the inside, and until the real issues are healed, it will always be there, ready to unloving lash out at any thing that it feels is a threat.
I'm using a very graphic and traumatic experience, but the same scenario applies to even the smallest feeling of anger and rage that we ignore and dismiss, just to be nice...
If I activate you, go ahead, be angry. I accept your right to be angry, but I don't accept the energy of your denied anger. Be angry at me for as long as you need to until you find the cause of your denied anger.. Spit out your denied anger and rage until the truth is found and heart and love are born within you to stop hating yourself for what happened.
Your friend,
Reed
"Healing begins in the Heart"
Edited by: shenreed at: 9/20/06 9:43 pm
jannokas (9/21/06 2:58 pm)
very sad...
I don't even know what to say anymore. I doubt you're that friendly force i first thought you were. You are very reasonable and all, but right now i'm seeing that you are playing some kind of a dark and vicious game with me. You believe in the evil and all that and i have this feeling that you may be obsessed. Perhaps you have gone too far and become evil? My instincts are all on the defensive right now and telling me not to trust you.
Do you even know how you affect me? I look up to you, don't know why, i just do and everything you say to me i take as the truth...so please don't be horrible to me.
Is it true that you can see the reasons for anything presently happening during a meditation? I sort of have grasped that i guess...
Today i meditated and realized i'm very emotional overall...nothing makes sense sort of thing....i feel that the world has left me all by myself with the path that i'm on. Hence the reason i got upset with you, when you said you were gonna cut me off...i got pissed off, because i didn't want this conversation to end. I thought you reckoned i'm not advanced enough to speak to you...
There is a connection between you and my mom...you both are the same star sign and honestly i'm quite disappointed with all scorpios, they have behaved very cruel with me. My mom was definitely the queen of cruelty and i'm seeing her everywhere really...always telling me not even dare to breath too hard, because she's having a bad day...
I guess you understand now.
shenreed (9/21/06 3:36 pm)
Re: very sad...
Hi
You may want to check out My Blog ... as I have a friend that now also thinks I'm evil... It's actually a three part post and it starts with "Fear and denial" then moves to "Fear, denial and Activation " and ends up with "Fear, denial, activation and insights " Maybe seeing how someone else was activated will help you understand how you were activated...
I am not horrible to you... you just think I am.. and.... if it activates you so be it.. I'm not going to pussyfoot around with you "trying" to be what YOU want me to be, just because you are being activated and are having a horrible day...that's not my style anymore... If I got into that "game" I would never know what to say or do, or how to say it just right so that you wouldn't think I was a being horrible or picking on you..
You are actually acting like your mother, telling me how I should act around you... "always telling me not even dare to breath too hard, because she's having a bad day...
While you may think and feel that all this is bad....in reality, it is the beginning of a healing process ..... if you are open to it..
Reed
"Healing begins in the Heart"
Edited by: shenreed at: 9/22/06 8:40 am
Page 2
jannokas (9/21/06 4:33 pm)
Re: very sad...
Really???
My god...well i felt that all of this was going to take an interesting turn.
Well i hope you realize how uncommon your approach is. You're not the normal contact i'm used to having with people...somehow you have pierced right through me. I wasn't expecting any of this. But i am open to it. All i want is to finally understand.
Please explain to me...(if you think i'm worth your spare time, i truly mean it...genuinely, because i feel i don't deserve to be talking to you)...how is it that i act like my mother? Do i send these signals towards you? How? Surely i don't expect you to act the way i want you to...that's madness...why should i want that? All i know is that you know something that i don't and somehow i know you are giving it to me right now. Hmmm...
I will read the blog. Thanks for that!
Janno
(I am too shy to ask this, but do you think you may be able to help me heal?)
Last edited by shenreed, 3/Oct/2006, 4:45 pm
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3/Oct/2006, 3:06 pm
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Healing and Healing process at hand
jannokas (9/21/06 7:11 pm)
Healing
This is my request to you, dear John...please help me heal. I feel very very angry about the way my mother treated me, when i was a child. She abused me in ways unimaginable to a civilized mind - throwing knives at me, telling me to go out in the cold (when it was snowing) with no coat on...freezing to death and to see her boyfriend that she was having issues with and tell him to come back to her...she told me to go 'out there' and find my own place to live, while i was only 14...
How do i go about this whole thing?
I read your blog and i know you are the right person to understand me. I am sick of denial...i don't wanna give away my power to Daal and Brahma (who are they?)...
Janno
shenreed (9/21/06 9:12 pm)
Re: Healing
I not only hear and feel your anger and rage, but also your heartbreak... And yes, I can help you... help yourself... I going to give you another link called "A level of Healing" from my manuscript that I feel you need to read to prepare you for where you have to go...
Baal and Brahma are a couple of Lucifers henchmen (Demons). I can't remember which one is which in this moment, but one is the collector of souls and the other tries to re-program us if we try to break free. I have basic info on them and 25 -30 others that have been confronting me as I'm doing all this work but it's still packed up in the back of my truck. I'll give you more info when I unpack them.
I also suggest that if you aren't already doing so, to begin keeping a journal and to not only write down your feelings and emotions, but to also express them in the moment you are feeling them, and feel comfortable and safe enough to do so.
You have a big heart and it takes courage and love to face your fears and not to run away and deny them. I'm happy to have met you and even happier to now get the chance to know the REAL you...
Reed
"Healing begins in the Heart"
jannokas (9/22/06 2:50 pm)
Healing process at hand...
To be absolutely honest i thought you were gonna tell me that i'm mad and that i need a psychiatrist...so things have taken yet another unexpected turn.
I did start a journal some 8 months ago, but haven't been very keen on writing all my feelings down. At first it was very interesting, but then i got a little bit un-inspired because of what a lonely endeavour it was, i had no one to share all my deep feelings with, now i have my partner, but he hasn't got much of that spiritual bone in him... It's a superb idea to keep a jornal, it also means taking responsibility for my REAL actions and that can be quite daunting, but as long as i have your guidance i'm very happy to do it. I've got a few short stories in my 'journal' (jannokas.wordpress.com) Jannokas Blog that are quite rude...just warning you
Thank you dear John!
Your student,
Janno
Edited by: jannokas at: 9/22/06 2:56 pm
Last edited by shenreed, 3/Oct/2006, 4:48 pm
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Jannokas Blog -- 22nd of September 2006 Catching up
Jannokas Blog
{September 23, 2006} Friday 23rd of Sept.
22nd of September 2006
Catching up
Back to square one. I have been 500 000 miles out of my own body, circling the outer space… Finally I’m back here…now.
A few days ago I was overwhelmed by very powerful emotions, which indicated the end to my mind-oriented life. Up to this day I have been living somewhere inside my mind…but it has proved unsafe there. I’m so sick and tired of always worrying about the future and that constant feeling of anxiety and thinking that the end of the world is just around the next corner.
Since we moved to
England with Steve I have not been very concerned with social life. I haven’t spent any time at all trying to find mates or at least somehow fit into this society here.
Eastbourne is considered the most peaceful South-coast town in
England. Indeed it is…except for those party-goers making noise in the back street on Wednesdays and Saturdays and Sundays. All of my efforts have been focused on music. It’s been music all along. The sad thing is…I’m alone in this music thing. I have no one my age to share my musical impressions with. NO ONE L … I thought that when I practise piano hard enough, someday someone will come along that is as much into music as I am and we will have fun together. It hasn’t happened. I only have my piano teacher Audrey and my harmony teacher Dr Sherlock and Jenny, with whom I have the chance to play piano duets with. I haven’t had the courage to do it with her. I get very nervous around her. She is quite and Earthy person, but there is something quite dark about her. Not that she is mean or anything, but my aura just doesn’t agree with hers.
I was very miserable when we had to leave the house to come to the flat above the
Athens restaurant. Life was very peaceful in the Willingdon road house. We had a garden there to look after and it was always fun cleaning up the house and cooking and watching telly and sitting in the garden… But it was also very boring. Not that I didn’t appreciate the comforts, but life seemed to be in a standstill, when living there. I didn’t feel at all inspired to go find a job nor did I even feel like wanting to move on with my life. I felt depression most of the time. I felt scared. I felt like I was a big fat zero and no one wanted me. I felt terrified to leave the house to go to the music school, but I knew I had to…I had to break out of this horrible routine I had gotten myself into. I didn’t know that life ‘could be better’. I didn’t know that it is possible to solve life’s problems and meet new friends and actually enjoy life.
As soon as we moved to the restaurant flat by the seafront, my life has been a constant turmoil. There have been pleasant changes and also those very, very painful changes. It was a beautiful warm time, when we moved here. It was the beginning of July and the beginning of a new chapter in my life. The first thing I did as we got here was that I went on the roof, where there is a breath-taking view of
Eastbourne and the Sea, and had a cigarette. There were a whole load of seagulls there with me…staring at me…’bah-gwack’, they said. The first most spiritual moment during this new time happened, when I went down on the beach. I brought with me my cd-player with E. Satie Gymnopedie playing on it. Suddenly I realized life wasn’t as hard as I thought it was. I saw myself as a spiritual animal of some sorts staring at the sky and listening to music that brought about the stillness in me. I realized – hey, I have got a pair of legs, hands, ears, I could hear music, I could feel the sea breeze, I could feel my emotions and I could see the seagulls riding the wind, I could feel the pebbles under my feet – all of it was real and very, very present. I saw myself in a new light. Suddenly I felt newly inspired to get my life moving once again. I got myself a job in a convenience store as a cashier. I felt quite worried about working and having to keep up with music all the while, but Steve implied I would find this experience very useful. So I chose to do it. It hasn’t been at all easy. Once I worked 8 hours in a row…with feelings of depression while being at it…and I came home feeling suicidal and I cried and cried… I felt that was the end of my life. But the next morning I woke up fine. Suddenly I was ok. It was a very scary thing meeting all these new people. I put up a tough front. I pretended I was fine. But there were actual moments, while working, when I couldn’t contain my feelings any longer and I broke down in front of all these people waiting in the cue. It felt as though time had stopped. I felt panic. Fear. This must have been the worst experience I had there. But somehow things went quite smoothly from there on. I became closer with the people I was working with. It has been a very social period in my life. Constantly working with people. Now we are leaving to
Cyprus with Steve. I worked in Spar about a month altogether. I plan continuing it as we get back from
Cyprus. To come to think about it…it’s worrying thinking about it. What will become of me? How do I realize myself in the music area? Until then I will simply meditate away. It has been rather useful so far.
Recently I got back into my spiritual self. I discovered Lisa M. Gawlas’s e-book about spirituality and it was enough to inspire me to start meditating again. I did do slight meditations earlier in my life, but I wasn’t at all very persistent on it. I couldn’t see the benefits of it at the time…I was too young. Now I have joined the spiritual community forum and I also met John Reed, who helped me to realize that I have serious childhood issues that I haven’t dealt with. I never even realized. I have lived in a lot of denial so far. I have not allowed myself to be free to feel my emotions. John has activated that side of me and I’m planning to take this further.
Today
I woke up in the bedroom today. Early in the morning I moved from the living room, where I normally sleep, into the bedroom, because there are good blinds in there, which keep the light away. I felt very extreme anxiety this morning. The morning before I felt an even more anxious feeling of some sorts. It felt as though…what is this body that I inhabit??? And this body didn’t feel at all comfortable to wear. I have been getting these very vivid insights in the mornings, but sadly they only last until the morning coffee and then I get into my every day routines. I have been going through some serious awareness issues recently. Especially at night. Two days ago, when John first implied that I might have issues with one of my parents, I broke down in feelings of dread. I tried to contain those feelings, but I simply couldn’t. They were too real. I meditated on them and suddenly I started crying…I felt so sad. Sad about what a miserable childhood I led. I was only an innocent child. I did no harm to no one, but my mother treated me as though I was a mistake…and that’s what’s she called me a lot of times. She said to me that all of her family didn’t want me there. I shouldn’t have been born. The only happy times were, when I got away from her and went to Kallaste, where my grandmother lives and where I have a step-brother, Sasha and his mom, my dad’s wife, Lyudmilla, a wonderful mother to have. My dad lives there too, but he spent most of the time away, working in
Tartu. So I was free to enjoy myself by the shores of the
Lake Peipus. Life was good there. I felt love there. But during school I had live in
Tartu with my mother. Those were the darkest times of my young life. My brother lived there, too, but he was on and off, because he was smart enough to try and live a life separate from my mother, whom I constantly counselled thinking that’s what I had come here to do. She never responded to me with the same amount of love. She was concerned with her relationships. She was too busy worrying about herself…I just happened to be there.
Today I meditated for about 40 minutes and then turned my attention to my piano and have been composing all day. I feel very emotional today like always, but today I feel more off balance than usual. I was knocked off my perch by John, when he reminded me that there are issues to be dealt with. So far I had been very comfortable being the way I was. I am not comfortable with the person I am right now. I am not who I should be. Who am I anyways? I will meditate on this. Last night’s meditation gave me powerful insights into what is going on. I felt my real presence and not in an imagined body…but in a real body….in real time…in real space. I suddenly thought…hang on a minute here – who fills the void inside my body? Well who else but me??? I am here! Right here…inside my nose…inside my arms…inside my brain…inside my intestines…inside my legs…inside my heart…inside my butt…inside my fingers. I am that light which fills all of it. I am here. I have also come to realize that my body has got limits. It has a beginning and an end.
Right I’m going to meditate, because I feel a lot of cravings that I think I need to learn to handle a little better. I feel like having a cigarette, but I won’t. I won’t allow myself that. Maybe later. Not now though!
1.01 am
I just had a bath and rubbed body lotion on me. I took the bath with the Aloe Vera bath foam, it was rather refreshing. I also breathed in the white light and tried to achieve a state of relaxation. I realized I have too many anger issues. I asked Steve to be understanding and listen to me, when I’m having one of my episodes. He didn’t seem to care, so I punched my fist against the table. I let some steam out, but somehow it didn’t feel like a release, but rather like madness. I felt as though I was behaving like a twat. He doesn’t seem very eager to come along with me on this journey of self discovery. I explained to him that none of this is directed at him, but it’s happening next to him, in his loving presence. I don’t want in no way for him to think that I’m letting my anger out on him. If he loves me, he will understand, but he said to me that my behaviour is unacceptable. That saddens me. I feel a bit hopeless about this healing process. It doesn’t seem to be going anywhere at all. I will meditate once more tonight after 2 am. My body awareness has risen, I’m certainly more aware of the fact that I’ve got my insides such as my heart, my intestines…my muscles.
I feel a lot of doubt. I’m worried about my piano skills development. I should dedicate more of my time for practising scales. I have a few pieces at hand right now that I need to practise with more attention to detail. I also feel that meditation distances me from all of my duties. I might become so satisfied with myself that I start forgetting what I have to do. I have spent a lot of time meditating now. The benefits are beyond words, but I feel like I’m missing out on a lot of piano practise. The sound of reason is telling me…all in good time. I will listen to that voice, meanwhile I will meditate.
I live at night. I feel much more relaxed at night. Especially after I’ve taken a bath. It’s been a tiring day and finally I will get some rest. During the day I feel very anxious and worried about everything. When we leave the house to go downtown with Steve I seem to almost forget that I am a worthy human being. Being around strangers I get very shy and worried about what they think of me. Do they think that I’m a nobody, because I don’t look confident? Do they see me as ugly and horrible and someone, whose face they just wouldn’t like to see in town? I feel rather terrified of looking people in the face, because they might become spooked of my presence…I don’t know what the hell that’s all about, but that’s how I feel. I feel that people would reject me because of how I look and the way I talk. These are the daytime worries. It’s a blur. It’s a rare thing for me to feel at peace with myself in a crowded place. A few days ago we went to
Brighton with Steve and I just got this horrible feeling that everyone in the street were looking at me and judging me and wishing I wasn’t there, just because the look of me was bringing them down…It’s a hopeless situation for me. There is just no love out there for me. The world rejected me the day I was born…why should it accept me now???
I will meditate on all of this. There is a great big lump in the flow of my feelings and it’s stopping positivity form flowing in. I am not seeing any love around me right now.
jannokas @ 1:00 am [filed under DIARY No Comments »
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3/Oct/2006, 3:24 pm
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Healing is never just one way...
shenreed (9/24/06 3:16 pm)
Healing is never just one way...
Hi,
Well now it's my turn to be activated.. Thanks
In another thread, you saying that I was a master didn't activate me, but you saying that you are my student did. I never thought of it that way and although I want to share what I have found and teach others how to also experience it for themselves, I never really felt the implications of that. Someone calling me a teacher doesn't get me going but someone saying they are a student does, as I feel that that implies that I am somehow responsible for their being able to absorb what I am sharing and that they can use the information to empower themselves. If they fail, I feel that means that I'm a failure in that I wasn't right, didn't say it right, and missed something so they didn't understand me and is the reason they failed..... Hummmm?
So what are the imprints, programs and beliefs that I still have that say that I'm responsible for anothers success and happiness if they put their trust in me... in my words.... in my ideals.... in my hopes dreams and desires for a New World?
Later, I was talking with my friend Jen on the phone and told her about this and as she was sharing what she was picking up, I was feeling all sorts of past life issues come up and I was becoming emotional.. feeling mainly heartbreak. Where I had the power to change what was, but I failed... and as a result, those that I was trying to help also experienced the unrealized ideas and it all went into lost hopes, dreams and desires. I failed for many reasons, but the most important one was my un-awareness of the power of my denials and what they were creating. In this life time I am becoming aware of the power of denial and its "negative" power to not create life, happiness joy, abundance, and peace, but rather to control, manipulate and ultimately destroy it bit by bit.
There's more.. a lot more.. but this is a start and I thank you for making me aware of yet another issue I was unaware of and that I need and want to heal...
So... thanks...... Teacher..
John
"Healing begins in the Heart"
Edited by: shenreed at: 9/24/06 3:17 pm
jannokas (9/24/06 5:01 pm)
Healing is never just one way...
Hey there!
Well you callig me a teacher activated me. I now feel the pressure of...what did i teach again? (i feel insecure about that 'position'). I feel safe when being a student. There is no responsibility in that...only to absorb everything coming my way! And if you were to say you're my student i would see that...indeed...he's a student. That's all. Nothing else to it.
Perhaps it's all about how we see ourselves?
You said - In this life time I am becoming aware of the power of denial and its "negative" power to not create life, happiness joy, abundance, and peace, but rather to control, manipulate and ultimately destroy it bit by bit.
- seems you are ever so close to your true purpose! I do envy that...
I feel quite nervous to ask this, because i feel that you will see me as silly and impatient, but do you think there is such a purpose to me, too, but i'm just not seeing it yet? I think i have something to do with speaking truth from the heart, 'even if it hurts'...
Your student/(teacher)
Janno
shenreed (9/24/06 6:56 pm)
Re: Healing is never just one way...
Speaking your truth from the heart never hurts.... it's not speaking that not only hurts but is also the silent killer. The hurt that one feels when the truth is finally spoken is the old "Heartbreak" of when we denied expressing ourselves our truth and instead, gave our power away to others.
You are my brother... and yes.. you and I have a similar purpose. You are awakening and can see and feel more than you believe you can... It's time to begin to challenge the illusions and those that call themselves love...
I wrote the following but never finished it as I had read your blog in the process, but I feel I need to post it now...
A couple of posts ago you said, "My mom was definitely the queen of cruelty and i'm seeing her everywhere really...always telling me not even dare to breath too hard, because she's having a bad day..." She was expecting you to "know" how to act around her and to mind read her thoughts and feelings and then to not activate her into anything unpleasant that she didn't want to be reminded of... If you did, you were bad and evil...
You had to deny yourself to please your mother... and that isn't love or loving to yourself and neither to your mother.... but.... as a child you had no choice and you innocently believed that you were responsible for her feelings and emotions and that if she was activated and feeling sad or horrible.. that you were the problem... and that is self-hatred...
Like you say, she was the cruel and heartless one, but she had you believe that it was you that was cruel, heartless and evil... Dah! Are you starting to see and feel how screwed up all this really is... and how we are imprinted and programmed to believe that evil is love and that love is evil... There is a saying that "opposites attract"... and now you know why. We search for and cling to what we falsely believe is love, but is in reality unlovingness disguised as love...
*******************************
I channeled a poem a few years back that says it all, it's called >>> Ignorance <<<
You fear what you do not know.
You protect what needs no protection.
You love what you fear
Yet fear what you love
and do not know the difference.
Some say ignorance is bliss.
Some say ignorance is Hell.
Soo Long
Channeled by John Rieger
a.k.a. “ShenReed” ’02 Jan. 8
*****************************
It's also important that you be aware... that you already realize that you are seeing her everywhere..... Meaning.... that she is a BIG issue in your life that you need to deal with and heal ...before you can move really move forward.. Your relationships are reflections of your unresolved issues with your mother...
In reading your blog, I don't even feel that you are really gay, but that you have this screwed up mental programming that activates you whenever any female does or says something that reminds you of your mother... It's OK if a man acts like your mother.... because he's a man... And speaking of men, where was your father in your childhood? And has the denied longing for your father and his affection and relationship also added to your programming and your present desires and attraction to men?
John
"Healing begins in the Heart"
jannokas (9/24/06 8:47 pm)
Healing is never just one way...
Maybe this upsets you (you consider it 'excuses'), but i just have to get it off my chest now while i still can. You know when reading your reply i felt like i wanted to run away and never to return...you have dedicated so much time for me and i just feel so unworthy. Especially you saying that i'm awakening...i feel all of that is such a good process of gods' and i - the bad, cruel, evil me - just don't deserve it. Like you said, the issue with my mom is indeed a LARGE issue, it needs to be dealt with right now! Somehow i feel this nagging voice in me telling me to let it go...not to bother it and so on...but i think i know what that is all about !
Everything you said about how i had to behave around my mother...you couldn't be any more right. That's exactly how it was. When being that young kid though...you just don't know that anything else is possible. I had no choice. There were times when i actually exploded with anger...and i told her what i thought of her behaviour, but you know...sadly...she's a nutcase, she never...never...reasoned me with during one of her epidoes. I never felt that maybe she was the reason of her own problems. Somehow it was always up to me to make her feel better. I had to study better in school, please everyone i met, because they might start talking about me and say - hey, he's not behaving very good and that would have meant bad reputation to my mother. What a sick and twisted world to live in!
My father wasn't present during ANY of the problems we faced with my mother and brother. He lived with my grandmother in a town nearby Tartu. I stayed my grandmother during holidays - as you can guess - that was heaven to me! And then i also hung out with my father, we did a lot together, he taught me to sing and urged me to be more social and outgoing... But that's all he was to me...just some fun guy that seemed to care a little bit. Someone that doesn't really stay in your life.
So i was always divided between these 2 world - my russian father (and all the russian community behind him) and my estonian mother - with a certain estonian community behind her (her friends that she used to drink with and have parties with in OUR HOME...). I never really communed with my mothers paretns...she had VERY serious issues with them!
I guess it's true...i find females intimidating...i just don't see the need for them on this planet. I haven't experienced much warmth from them...except for my grandmo, but she doesn't seem like a female...rather someone without a sexual nature you know.
You said -
In reading your blog, I don't even feel that you are really gay, but that you have this screwed up mental programing that activates you whenever any female does or says something that reminds you of your mother...
Can i ask you what you mean by that you don't feel that i'm gay? Do you mean gay in it's literal meaning? LOL i am FAAAARR from gay in that case!!!
I think the longing for a father has definitely added to my desire for men! You know, living with my mother...i sort of started to despise the female body...i just couldn't even stand the look of it! I guess i started longing for something that i coudln't have. I was sexually aware of myself already at the age of 5...i know this may shock you, but curiously enough that's true. I just watched this ballet on tv (when 5 years old) and i knew i liked those men in there...weird huh? People say that this is extremely weird.
Right...returning to my meditation now.
PS! My dear brother John, somehow i could feel you reading my blog yesterday...i just got this amazing feeling that you were reading my blog and i could sense that you were enjoying it. That makes me very happy!
Janno
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3/Oct/2006, 3:30 pm
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Jannokas Blog 24th of September --- Hello diary!
Jannokes Blog{September 24, 2006}
24th of September
Hello diary!
My mind is absolutely blank. I have decided not to go on about things that do not matter, but bring to the forefront what really matters. Right now I am experiencing some sort of a blockage. I just feel like there is a great big void inside of me. I feel fulfilled with things to do. I have been practising piano all day and just finished studying harmony. I think there is something big going on around me and I feel that I am not seeing it. A few days ago I started to feel differently about myself, I felt overwhelming fear and panic and I felt that I just wanted to be left alone. Being alone isn’t all that great afterwards. All the efforts I am making in life are in the end of the day meant to be shared with the rest of the people. I don’t feel enough of that sharing bit. In fact I feel that I’ve got nothing to offer this world. Everyone else are so advanced and they have hundreds of friends and people to hang out with, but I am different. Always solitary. Around people I don’t feel very safe anyways. I don’t feel that I’ve made enough bonds in life. I just can’t see the benefits of having bonds with people. I can’t be bothered to call my mom…we should really talk about some things, but I really don’t want to do it over the phone. I need face to face, heart to heart contact. Steve is busy doing his little things. There is Futurama on telly. I made a few good acquaintances in Spar (the shop where I worked), but not a single gay person that I could relate to. Straight people are ok, especially women, but I just don’t feel at all comfortable around them. It’s a laugh to work with, but in my spare time I need to be in company of similar people…other gay people…musicians would be great.
I have just activated the webcam with George from
Athens. When talking to George I don’t feel that there is much love in the air. He is gay and I am gay, but I have never had a very deep conversation with him… I have told him off a couple of times for upsetting me, but…he disappeared a little while ago and there has appeared a gap between us…also I feel like he doesn’t tell me his true feelings. He tries to project this ‘living the happy ending’ sort of image of himself…I do not accept that. That is a form of self-denial. God bless him.
Something wonderful is happening here, but I’m not feeling it. I don’t feel wonderful…nor am I excited about the future. I have too many worries. I’m worried about smoking too much, about over-eating, about not keeping fit enough…I just feel dirty. I also feel tired of all this worrying. I wish life could take care of these things for me. Again I’m starting to feel that I’m ugly. I just look in the mirror and I don’t see a good-looking guy there. I see this freak of nature…who shouldn’t have been born. The issues with my mother. I have got to come clean about this whole thing to her. I have no idea how I’m going to do it; I will try to be as tactful as possible. I don’t want to reopen her past pain. I just want her to hear me….how I feel, how I was hurt, how my heart was broken and trod on. I am under no illusions about how she will react. I know she will take it quite harshly…as always. But she claims to be a changed person now. Let’s see.
I also received a reply from John and here’s a quote from him:
In this life time I am becoming aware of the power of denial and its “negative” power to not create life, happiness joy, abundance, and peace, but rather to control, manipulate and ultimately destroy it bit by bit.
I think there is much information compressed together in here. First I understand that he has been through a lot of denial himself and he has also been quite the extreme case of denial. A lot of us are living in denial, but it just doesn’t seem to matter, in his case it must have been quite painful – hence the need to understand. He has dealt with this certain issue and he is bringing it to people awareness. That to me is greatness. It’s a simple task. Beauty lies within simplicity.
jannokas @ 10:36 pm [filed under DIARY No Comments »
Jannokas Blog http://jannokas.wordpress.com/
{September 24, 2006}
It’s 9:18 pm. Another quiet day. I woke up later than normal, around 3pm. Last night I had the most intense dreams from the moment I fell asleep up to the moment I woke up. I must have at least 5 different dreams with different settings and different people in them all. I can still remember how vivid the dreams were. I must have been in these exact situations somewhere on a different plane?! The first dream I can remember was with George from
Athens, we were just frolicking around and being very good friends. We did certain activities together… It was all very enjoyable. The next dream I can remember was when I departed from the George dream (somehow they were meshed together a bit) and suddenly found myself in a school diner. I can’t remember what exactly happened there, but there I met this amazing girl, whom I have never met in my life…I could have never imagined such a person!!! Somehow we ended up in a party together with her and I remember taking drugs, so I wouldn’t be too shy…then this dream ended, but it wasn’t over yet. Suddenly I was in
Tartu (my hometown), in my very familiar playing ground. It was actually an area where there were cherry trees next to a high apartment block. We used to climb these cherry trees as kids to get to the cherries… Well, anyways my brother was there and someone else that I don’t really know in person, but who felt strangely familiar. That stranger suggested we had a race! The thing was that I was supposed to borrow money from this friend of my mothers, a lady that lived on the 5th floor of the apartment block and the ‘stranger’ said let’s all (me, my brother and him) race to the lady’s door. So I knew I had to win this race…and I flew…I flew up the staircase…at last minute my brother almost got in front of me, he could fly too, but I really speeded up at the last minute!!! I got there first! I can’t remember the exact details of what came afterwards, but then the dream changed again and I was on a parade and the person leading the parade was my Solfeggio teacher from the music school… How bizarre? She was leading a whole group of girls dressed up in parade clothes…saying: left!, right!, left!, …I was standing next to this very sweet-looking cute girl…we had a chat together. My desk mate Madis was there, too, I felt very intimate with him…I felt there were very positive feelings between us. Then the dream changed again. I was with the amazing girl from the school diner again. She said to me that I shouldn’t do drugs to be extroverted. I should simply be extroverted and she also said that it’s very important that I am more extroverted, because otherwise I might become very ill… Then she put her hand on my stomach and said to me: can you feel it? I could feel this very positive energy moving around my stomach area and then she smiled looking surprised and said: wow, looks you are about to join the healers family! I realized she was a Reiki master and she knew what she was saying…I felt very happy at the end of the dream I felt like I had been finally accepted for who I am.
When I got up…I woke up in the bedroom again…I moved there around 12 am. I did a few exercises and then we went downtown with Steve. All the while when being downtown I had this realization in my mind that all the worries I used to have about my shyness are about to dissolve. I could see that the reason behind my worries was the traumatic childhood experience of living with my mother and her 1000 angry moods. I looked at people through different eyes today. I could even see people around me that seemed to have unresolved issues of their past…and I could also see that people aren’t judging me at all. They’re just there. Without any deeper understanding of how I felt inside. We had a coffee as usual. I also had one cigarette. Then we went shopping with Steve and got loads of fruit material for a smoothie. As always, while shopping I observed the people around me. Trying to imagine them with love not with panic. Every time I started feeling panic I looked around me and I could see someone that I didn’t know was there, but I could tell they had serious anger issues…how could I tell? Intuition! I realized I am an extroverted person…but the experiences I had with my mother were so painful that I started believing that there was something wrong me. I can still feel that. Every time I’m not doing something I feel as though I’m unworthy…and I get anxious. As I got back home I started practising piano, but nothing came out of scale practise…instead I started composing. I composed this brilliant piece, which is still unfinished, but I know somehow it will be useful in a future composition. So I feel upset that I didn’t practise scales. I should pay more attention to the quality of my finger’s touch. It’s very important!
I have been feeling quite ok today. No extreme panic attacks or none of that. Like right now I feel quite centred. I will start meditation now any minute. Again I am feeling cravings of all sorts – for sweets, for cigarettes… Do I feel proud of myself at this point? No…I feel that there is still so much evolving to do and quite honestly it’s making me nervous. I don’t feel very much at peace with myself. I feel that there is so much I should be doing, but I don’t know how to do it…and I don’t have the courage to do it. I feel that I should be meeting new people. Maybe I should go out to a bar? Chat with strangers…Steve is at work. I feel that there is something missing. A substance…in this writing. I feel that I am not writing about my real feelings! How do I really feel? I will meditate on this!
Now that I’ve meditated on my feelings…I have come to a very grim realization that I am not at all ok. I thought today was an ok day, but it hasn’t been ok. When meditating I could see my real state of being. I feel like there is a fist right above my head, ready to punch me if I do something wrong. And I also feel that any time for no apparent reason my mother will appear and start shouting at me… All of this is very real. I have indeed been very traumatized by the way my mother used to behave. All of this stress is on my mind all of the time. I think I must have been an extremely sensitive child. How could I even endure all the harm that was done to me? How come I’m still alive? I have felt suicidal a lot of times, but never took any decisive action…luckily…because I really wish to continue this journey. I feel that I am getting closer to my true self. Right now I feel very angry about how hard it is to keep the cool. And every meditation only brings me a little bit closer to the reality…Why does it all take so much time? Where are the answers? Where is God right now?
My stomach feels slightly heavy. This meditation wasn’t very still. I could almost cut my emotions with a knife…they were so real…they still are… I wish I could achieve a greater state of stillness. I am beginning to see more and more of the inner me. I never realized there is a life inside of me, too. In fact…I am that life…but that only sounds true in a deep meditative state.
Steve is about to have a bath. He is smoking like a lunatic again. I just hate it. Why can’t he freaking quit…I smoke only 3 ciggies a day…and even that makes me feel quite ill. I feel the damage in my lungs in the mornings and that is not a pleasant feeling. I feel quite guilty at the time, but I just can’t not have a cigarette with a coffee downtown. It’s such a pleasure.
There was a different guy in the ‘Coffee Republic’ today, who served me. I have had short chats with him. He’s the sort of person I can’t put my finger on. I just don’t know what type a person he is. He is nice to me. I don’t feel any negative energy form him like from this other guy…who just oozes evil…and he’s got this evil face as well! Ange was sitting on a customers’ stool…she is such a social girl. Today she looked very tired…she said she worked 12 hours in a row…excuse me? That’s horrific! I wouldn’t like to put myself in such a painful position like that. She’s always rather loud. I think she likes to be the centre of attention. She’s pleasant, there is something very mother-like about her, she seems to care!!! 1.03 am
I just had a bath. It was very relaxing. I used Steve’s razor to shave the little bit of moustache that has grown over a week and he really upset me saying that I shouldn’t have used it. He is far too possessive of his things. He goes to extreme lengths to make sure that his space is only his. That makes me feel excluded. I do not like to feel excluded. I feel that I haven’t been very successful at balancing myself today. I also feel that I haven’t learnt much at all. I would even go as far as to say…it’s been a very boring day. I feel like a sad little lonely boy and there is no hope for me. It’s hopeless… I just want to compose and compose, but I have to also learn a bit more about music. I need to find out something new. I will read about 12-tone music and I will read some music history. I composed this bit of melody today, I don’t know where it’s going to go, but I’m sure I will make good use of it. I think I’ve sort of learnt to trust my intuition, when composing. I still like to bang the piano too much and often while composing I forget to eat and even breath…I become very tense while being at it. When I invent a tune I feel that I have just get it right with the first time, but that’s impossible…because while trying too hard I even forget to listen to what exactly I’m composing. That feels like a waste of time.
I also went jogging earlier and I ran up to the Wish tower. I’m not sure how long this distance is, but it must be about 2 miles or more. There were some people there…sitting in the dark. I try to ignore them, because I hate the feeling of being watched. It’s as though they look at me and judge me and think what’s the matter with him…jogging so late?
When I took the bath I also tried to feel my body all over, but I find it quite hard today. For a moment there I do see it clearly, but then it kind of goes away…and I start thinking again. I don’t mind thinking. It’s ok, but often while thinking I remember painful experiences…that can’t be a good thing!?
I thought about Laura. My dear sweet Laura, with whom I spent some beautiful days in the nature around
Tartu. What a lovely experience!
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3/Oct/2006, 3:35 pm
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shenreed
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Healing is never just one way... A Fairy Tale... here comes the truth!
shenreed (9/24/06 9:26 pm)
Re: Healing is never just one way...
What I mean by ," In reading your blog, I don't even feel that you are really gay" is that I feel you are confused as to your sexuality and sexual preference and that you like men only by default, because you hate women (or your mother that they remind you of)
Even your dream or story of "A fairy-tale" had a very cold and unloving ending and was quite out of character with the rest of the story... In the story you express your FEAR that women are "evil"... yet you express your desire for men in what I felt was RAGE.... "I LIKE MEN.... I DON'T LIKE WOMEN!!!!" but not in those words... It's like you think that if you are gay.... then you don't have to worry about, or deal with your fear of women who you believe are evil. Men are not your natural choice, but you would rather be with men, and be gay, than face your fear and issues with women...and be happy.
You might not be aware of it but you are hiding and in fear of expressing your gay relationship in public, just as much as you are afraid to have a relationship with a woman in public. They both are fear based ..... just at the opposite ends of the denial teeter-totter....
Seeing male ballet dancers when you are five years old and "liking" them doesn't mean that you're gay, as you never had enough sexual experiences to even know what sex was at that age.... and if you did.... then that brings up a whole bunch of other stuff as to who, what, where, when, why, and how were you sexually abused before the age of five, in order to gain this sexual experience?
John
"Healing begins in the Heart"
******************************************************
I inserted the story "A fairy tale" here as it's not Janno's present blog per-say but a story he posted back in May.
Jannokes Blog {May 28, 2006} A fairy-tale
Once upon a time in a land far far away, there was a king. He was a righteous ruler - no living soul had ever a thing to complain about in his magnificent domain. Every day was a perfect bliss. When ever there was someone in need he would make sure himself would not rest until they were satisfied. Under the reign of such infinite wisdom love and friendhip blossomed.
And in the very same kingdom there was also a young boy called Johan, who was soon about to turn into a young adult. His 18th birthday was nigh and he would celebrate it with his family. Johan was a very courageous individual and other children his age considered him to be the perfect descendant of the very wise, but a very old king. The king himself did not have any children, because he carried with him a very dark secret that was unknown to any living-breathing soul other than him.
As a very young boy, the king being yet not crowned then, he became aware of some personal knowledge that he knew he could not share with the rest of his family, unless he wished to shame them. But since the truth always prevails, which the gifted king-to-be-crowned knew, he felt that he had to tell someone about it.
Meanwhile, his father, who was very ill and lay on a death bed, gathered the last of his breath and summoned his hopeful son to let him know of the ancient wisdom of their family that was carried on by all generations before them. When the youth arrived, he found his father very frail indeed. He sat down next to him on the bed, took his hand and listened. The old king then took a breath and told the youngster a story about a young girl that visited him in his dreams and that she is the secret source of the rulers wisdom. The father explained that even though she is very young and innocent-looking, she is really and ancient spirit, all-knowing and very wise. But behold coughed the old man, there will be another girl that will visit you in your dreams, she presents herself as the first girl, but she is not by far innocent, she is really and ancient evil spirit, disguised. She will also want to speak to you and show you the lands and worlds never witnessed before by a human eye. If you fall for her, she will make you wise, but she will rob you of your most valuable possession - your soul. If you have anything that is obscuring your pure conscience, tell me now, because you need to be pure at heart to face the shadow energies.
The young king being extremely overwhelmed by this pledged in fear of his fathers wrath that he had nothing to tell him. When the time came the father passed away and his coffin was placed into a magnificent burial chamber in the royal graveyard. The young king was now crowned king after his father - Karl the Magnificent II. The citizens were exceedingly pleased, because they were certain he would follow his fathers footsteps. And indeed he did. As the time passed by the new king would become only ever so much wiser and justlier. Until one day like his father had foretold, in the midst of a night he was awoken wihtin a dream by a very fragile, but a certain voice. As he lifted his head from the pillow there stood a rather short little girl dressed up in a pulchritudinous white silk dress. She called him by his name and asked him to follow her. As he got out of the bed and put on some clothes, she waited by the bedroom window. Seddenly the window sprung open and very fragrant and luminous light poured in. Then she grabbed Karl by his hand and pulled him into the light. The little girl in a white silk dress took him to places he had never even imagined. She explained to him why the world is the way it is and what is his role in this world. She also warned him of keeping any secrets from her and told him to confess this instant. The king was now very anxious as he was not sure if she was the good spirit. In fear of losing his soul he did not confess and claimed he had nothing to tell her. The little girl did not look pleased because she was an all-knowing and a very wise spirit. But she left it at that. After the journey into the unknown vthey returned and the king went back to sleep. Now another two or three decades passed by and on one particularly peaceful night the same girl showed up again. This time the little girl looked very jolly and told him that she couldn't wait to see him again, so there she was. The kings conscience was now full of years of guilt and shame and he could not keep the secret hidden inside himself anymore and he wished to confess to the little girl. He realized she might have been the evil spirit, but guilty conscience got the better of him and he told her he was gay and that he likes to suck **** not lick pussy. The little girl looked very disturbed and said: ''Oh, you ****ing liberty! All this ****ing hassle and you've decided to come out your friggin' closet now??? She was very pissed off, because now she had no power over him as he now owned a pure conscience that couldn't have been manipulated with. She ****ed off in a puff of smoke and told him to get a ****ing life. He showed to her the V-sign and got back into bed.
Now the king was very happy, because he did not feel bad about all them rentboys he brought back to his castle every night. He loved spoiling those little ****s rotten. That kept him satisfied. So that's why he did not have kids. Have you ever met a queer that can have kids? Not really I reckon. And so they all lived happily ever after. And they all ****ed their own brains out every god damn night.
Period.
The end!!!
******************************************************
jannokas (9/25/06 4:25 pm)
here comes the truth!
Well sexually abused...hmm...i was sexually abused at the age of 7. I remember the experience very well. But would that make me gay??? What do you think? I doubt you could understand this, because you are straight yourself, you haven't been in the similar frame of mind. Or do you understand this?
That experience ... i don't know how to react to it. I didn't mind it. I didn't feel like i was being abused. Does that sound like a classical case of denial?
I have had sexual dreams of women and i have actually enjoyed them as well. But that's all. I have never been aroused by a female. It's true though, i dont' have even 1 such female that knows me throughout and that i can trust. Every time i try to create a bond with a female...i fail miserably, because i simply take myself out of the situation, because i get very nervous and shy around women...it's like i have to please them and keep them happy!
Well i am aware of hiding my gay relationship. I have shared it with my mother. A few stressful times ib have phoned up my mother and she has supported me and convinced me that it's ok and nothing to worry about, because she's there for me. It's a shame she doesn't kknow and understand the pain i feel because of her. And also...i have learnt that it's ok to be gay and in hiding...that's what my partner does. He is hiding form his family...he is not dealing with it all and he is not expressing it. I am at the crossroads here.
You saying that men are not my natural choice...it really baffles me. How could this be? Can you pick it up by the way i write? What is being gay then? LOL ... HELP!!!
Love you my brother!
Janno
Last edited by shenreed, 3/Oct/2006, 3:45 pm
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3/Oct/2006, 3:42 pm
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Jannokas Blog {September 25, 2006}
Jannokes Blog 25th of September 2006
{September 25, 2006}
I just finished a chat with one of my ‘basic school bullies’. She is in fact the type a girl I really adore. She is a Gemini. I find Geminis very attractive. Especially the female Geminis. I am an Aquarius myself, also an air sign and I think that’s the reason we click with Reti now that we’ve calmed down and grown into adulthood. Well I used to think she was a bully. I recently found out that she felt attraction towards me instead. There was another girl, whom I considered a bully, who was Reti’s desk mate. That girl, Kadri, used to be my worst nightmare. She was always the centre of attention and somehow I knew she wanted to make me feel lower than her. That’s how I used to feel. I used to believe that I was somehow less than everyone else. A big fat zero, a big no-no, empty waste of space, useless…and the list goes on and on. I just asked Reti if she knows why Kadri hated me so much, but she told me to knock it off, there was no hate. Kadri was just young and hot-blooded. I did think of that myself, but it just didn’t feel that simple to me. Reti also said I used to be quite arrogant and rude towards everyone. My god!!!? What a revelation!? I used to think I was too shy and that’s why no one liked me. But then again…I was trying to patch up my natural shyness with arrogance, because I believed I was bad and dirty and wrong. It makes all the perfect sense now! I suffered a lot because of my mother and I was constantly stressed out about the way my mother used to feel. I used to think it was my fault that she was having difficulties in life. She even implied a few times that I was getting in the way of her life. Somehow I wasn’t supposed to be part of her life’s experience! How that angers me!!! I am FUMING with anger. How dares she??? It just doesn’t make sense to me, what possessed that woman to be so cruel? So unloving towards me. I know for a fact that she had unresolved issues with her parents, maybe the abuse she used to get as a child became so programmed into her brain that she believed it was natural to behave that way? Probably! I am quite certain that’s how it worked. She had no guidance in life herself. But I still can’t forgive her for not even trying. I do not feel that she even tried to make things better. She made suffering our lifestyle. She behaved as though it was ok. And it was not ok!
Last night I had these very peculiar dreams. In one of those dreams I actually killed someone. It was some very annoying woman, who wouldn’t leave me alone. She was winding me up in very weird ways…and I just butchered her, that’s right…butchered her! I did not feel the slightest bit of guilt about that. It felt like something that had to be done in order to rid us (all of the people that she would annoy in the dream) from that headache. And there was another dream, where I was once again in school, but it wasn’t any ordinary school that I was used to, it was different, but I knew it was an academic establishment. I was heading towards what felt like the showers and suddenly I found myself in a maze. Not just any maze…red hot flaming maze!!! And there was a lift and I knew someone was about to enter the maze through that lift door and I ran in fear and hid behind a curve inside the wall. And I watched in horror as that…human being covered in bandages (like a mummy, but it was glowing some sort of blue light) walked towards me. Fortunately it walked past me without noticing me and while it was going one way I used the opportunity to leg it and I shot the other way! I got out of the maze safe and sound. What a terrible experience! But thank heavens I’m still alive.
I think I am finally starting to drop the facades that I lived with all my childhood. It’s time to let the illusions go. Reti wants to meet up with me, but I feel very scared about that. I know I will start panicking around her and getting hot and sweating and all that stuff… It terrifies me. But I want to meet her! It’s one step closer to awaking from this dream. I have to do it. I know she is a trustworthy human being…not an animal that wants to chop my head off and devour me! She only wants to have fun with me…have a laugh! I can feel how day by day I am nearing the ‘end’ of my life of denial. I am finally starting to let go of the old fear based beliefs. I am seeing things from quite a different point of view compared to what I used to think back in basic school. In high school I was very depressed most of the time, because I was holding too much of all this pain inside of me. I actually thought it was ok to suffer…But I am becoming free of this fear now. It’s all flaking off like old skin… There are actual moments of very powerful insights, when I feel that god has blessed me with a vision, that’s when I see how I function, what is the purpose of my life. I do not regret having had a childhood as such…oh no…I know that was only a stepping stone towards who I am now!
I would like to also share this experience with you, dear diary! It was probably the first actual contact with god that I was aware of. It was in Cyprus, year 2004. I was having a great big argument with Steve over something rather ridiculous, but I’m glad it happened. At the end of the argument I realized I had nothing left to argue with him about. I suddenly felt lost. I felt like something very precious had been removed from me. I was still feeling the anger…but somehow I came to the realization that the reason why I was angry wasn’t because of Steve. Then I experienced the present moment…and there was ‘God’ on the radio singing – I’ve got you babe! Just the moment I calmed down I realized that it was God telling me: it’s ok. That was the first most miraculous realization of my young life.
The most painful thing about my mother was definitely the fact that she didn’t involve me into her life. She always let me know that I shouldn’t have been there, while she was trying to have fun. I also had this dream last night which I think was the proof of what I said earlier. In this dream I was living with my mother at home again, but this time I felt happy to be there. I felt that I was loved and accepted by her and I felt integrated into her life. An old boyfriend of my mother’s, that she loved dearly, returned to our lives, and as he stepped into the house, the first thing he did was that he grabbed me and lifted me up and hugged me and said he was so happy to see me again. He really showed his affection towards me, making me someone important in that moment, which I felt I was already, because my mother loved me. Then we all lived together. It’s such a sad thing actually…because there was no hint of my brother there! Where has he disappeared??? My brother is in just as much pain as I am…and the worst thing is …he is not dealing with it. He has integrated the pain as his own. He has really suffered a lot. He is now in prison, in France. He was far too fired up as a child. All the stress at home had a very drastic effect on him. He was way too impulsive anyways, but our mother not dealing with him…that made it even worse for him. He started stealing money and before we knew it…it had become his lifestyle. He wasn’t the kind of person to sit at home and listen to our mother cry…he wanted to do something about it. So he went and stole money to keep her satisfied. But as you can guess, dear diary, it didn’t satisfy her. I am so sad…my dear, dear brother. He is such a kind soul. When I think of him, all I can feel is his overflowing kindness. It’s a shame he hasn’t developed reason in his life. He has learnt to live by the jungle rules – might is right. And very often I felt the real meaning of that saying – he repeatedly beat me up…over something rather insignificant. I was left in a corner…crying my eyes out, because I knew there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t defend myself, because had I punched him back, that would have only added to his madness. It would have led to us both killing each other. What a terrorist!
1.32 am
It’s late. I have just taken a shower and I’m about to start meditation right now. I went out for a walk earlier and I sat down by the sea. I realized I’m rather switched off right now. I’m not active as a human being. It’s as though there is just nothing happening in my world. It’s not alive and nor do it want it to be, that would only put pressure on me. All my senses are off and there are just no inspirations…none. It’s unbearable. How could I ever be worth anything, when I’m so…regular…just breathing air…just…walking…just…Shouldn’t I be experiencing something wonderful right now? I still have the present moment and it only takes to look into it to feel its wonders. But … I just feel slightly unfulfilled. Like a part of me is not here. Not living it. Not having it. Not breathing it. I find it rather hard to look into myself right now. It seems so awfully boring. I know for a fact though that during testing times what seems like a ‘boring’ choice is indeed the right choice…because it’s always there and it’s always free and available to everyone. We live in an exclusive world. Only the better ones are ‘living the dream’. The rest of us will have to find our own ways in life. LOL. I like that.
jannokas @ 8:21 pm [filed under DIARY No Comments »
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3/Oct/2006, 3:47 pm
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shenreed
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And the Truth shalle set you free....GOOD
shenreed (9/25/06 5:56 pm)
And the truth shall set you free
It's not uncommon for a woman that has been raped or kidnapped to defend her attacker and even deny that she was raped or kidnapped. A child is incapable of making rational decisions related to acts of sex, especially when it comes to dealing with an adult...
If, as a 7 year old, you were playing house with Mary and Tommy (same age) next door and you were exploring your sexuality.. that's one thing and it's normal for children as they are curious and are beginning to feel desires and urges that are unknown. Now put that same child in the hands of a kind, nice talking, candy giving sex offender and it's an entirely different situation... the man knows perfectly well what he is doing, and what he wants the child to do... but the child doesn't...Let me ask you a direct question...would you entice a 7 year old child to have sex with you, and if not... why not? What do you think might happen to the boy as he grew up? What if the boy kept this a secret all his life, how would that affect him? Why doesn't he tell his family or the police? What would happen to the adult if he told? What would happen to his parents if he told? Lots of unanswered questions. Living a lie isn't living, it's playing the game called life..
While I'm not gay nor have even been (in this life time) in a gay relationship, I've been labeled and called gay, fag and all the rest and I've been hit on by homosexuals, by old men and young boys that had been abused. In all of these experiences I felt no love present and so I was repelled by any proposition, even if I was told it was otherwise. I've also been called a woman, a fem, a she-***** and related comments and have been threatened and harassed by sadistic chauvinists and rednecks. I've also been called a do-gooder, a pansy, mama's boy, preachers son, holy &*%#%^ and a host of religious and demonic titles and have even had the Catholic church try to exorcise me. Come to think about it, you name any degrading comment and I've been called it. I've had this abusive treatment for most of my life, and mainly when I expressed my intuition, emotions and feelings with my so-called friends and peers, or the grown ups that you were to respect and who were in a position of power.
As you know, I too had issues with my mother and when I began all this work I confronted her and off course she denied everything or made excuses for some of her actions and she also accused me of being in a cult and worshiping the devil etc. One day I while on one of my weekly phone calls to my mother, she asked me how I was. I told her not well and began expressing my emotions and telling her how I really felt. She stopped me and said, "Johnnie, I have to tell you that these emotions are your emotions and feelings and that I'm not responsible for them or how you feel." I thought to myself WOW! she's finally getting it... But in her next breath she tearfully sobbed and then almost screamed at me that I had no right in making her feel what she was feeling." That I wasn't the kind or loving son she had though I was and that she knew in her heart that she was right because she had been saved,,, and that my only hope was to accept Jesus as my Savior. I ended the conversation by saying that it's her same old golden rule, "do as I say, don't do as I do", and that it's no use talking to her as nothing I will ever say will change her and end her denials and that I have to focus on changing and healing myself.
I got off the phone and I then knew what I had to do, "let her go" and I also had to let go of the guilt and shame that was trying to tell me that I had to love her no matter what she did to me then and no matter what she says or does now. In other words, Guilt wanted me to love another by sacrificing myself. I went into a meditation/visualization to see how, when, where and why my mother was attached to my energy field and me to hers. What I saw and felt was beyond description and I not only let go of our attachments, but also of guilt and shame... I was free of my mothers evil hold on me....and she could no longer "feed" of me with her phoney kindness.
That was the last day I called my mother out of guilt. Weeks later, when I did call her, all we would talk about was what I call "@#%$-Chat" things like the weather, and the garden and maybe news of my brothers and sisters and relatives. There is nothing between us as no matter how I tried, I didn't and still don't feel anything when she is talking... even if she says all the right words.. they are hollow and empty...
John
"Healing begins in the Heart"
jannokas (9/25/06 8:26 pm)
GOOD!
See i thought your reply was rather funny. You made me laugh. Calling someone all these names...it's just beyond me, but then again there are all sorts of 'people' out there. I used to think that i'm imagining them, but there really are real bastards out there. It's such a shock to find that your own mother is one of them. I guess it's still quite the taboo even for a straight guy to deal with his mother. Why is that? Why does the society consdered loving men 'do-gooders' and what not.
It; seems that you have the exact same relationship with your mom (same kind of nutcase of a mom) as i do with mine. My mom can sound rather sesnsitive to how i feel at one point and next minute she takes it all away by starting callinhg me and crying on the phone and just not saying anything...and i have to figure out what is wrong with her? No explanation...only working on the guilty conscience bit. I think i've ditched the guilt about the way my mother feels. I basicalyl got so sick of it.
How did you free yourself from her energy? Is there something i wouldn't know about this?
You know another thing you said you faced your mothers phony kindness...oh how i despise that. It just makes me sick. My mother used to do that all the time and...that was definitely the one thing that really broke my heart...made me long for the real.
You said -
''But in her next breath she tearfully sobbed and then almost screamed at me that I had no right in making her feel what she was feeling''
Sounds alll too familiar to me. My gosh. I am feeling your disappointment of that moment right now...i know exactly what that feels like. . (Like there's no one else there but yourself...like you're talking to a living dead.)
Well you know don't you agree that an abuse hasn't been an abuse...if it didn't feel like an abuse. Only what affects your mental stability can be considered abuse?!? If that little boy that was abused by an adult didn't feel a thing...he looked at the action taking place with love...as though it was sent by god...i doubt that could have any serious affect. When this man showed me his 'genital area' when i was 7...i didn't mind. I was very curious to see it anyways and to even interact with it (touch) made it even more interesting. I certainly wouldn't like to have sex with a child, because i know this child might grow up and decide that it wasn't his choice to do these activities with me (see it as abuse) and because people have free will he might sue me and get me into a lot of trouble. I think it's when someone feels that their free will has been abused, when they start taking drastic action. Don't you agree?
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3/Oct/2006, 3:49 pm
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Wake up!!! ....Activated once again
shenreed (9/25/06 9:26 pm)
Wake UP!
So if I hear you right... you're saying that you are what you are.... "gay" by a choice you made when you were 7 years old and that you are happy with it... So if that's the truth.... why are we even having this conversation...?
WAKE UP!!!!! You are not even mentally aware and conscious of what you "sub-conscious" is trying to tell you... It's even writing it out for your blind eyes to see... You wrote.....
"If that little boy that was abused by an adult didn't feel a thing.
Read that statement and look at the "KEY WORDS" ... let me help you.... "was abused".... "didn't feel a thing" ... If that event never affected you.... and it was your choice as you say it was...then the wording would have been entirely different, but it wasn't.... and the reason it wasn't was because what happened to you.... was abuse and it did affect you.....FYI..."Didn't feel a thing" is a sure sign of shock, trauma... and denial...
You might want to go back and re-read some of our other posts and get another new look at what's already been said...
If you think that what I wrote about my personal experiences was funny and you got your "yuk yuks" from my pain, you are not the same person I was talking with before.
Are you doing drugs? There are times I'd say that you are high... and off in "La La land"... where life's a bowl of cherries and all fun and games and then you come down and start to get real..... but only for short time before you're gone again... Maybe this "flippin out" is your way of escaping from the reality that you're having a hard time facing and accepting?
Dance your dance and play your mind games and let me know when you have finished... While this is not the "same" conversation we have had before.. it is "similar"...
John
"Healing begins in the Heart"
Edited by: shenreed at: 9/25/06 9:30 pm
jannokas (9/26/06 4:18 pm)
activated once again...
Well thank you. You have once again activated me.
Ar first i wrote back to you a very angry letter, but i had a little word about things with my boyfriend and it seems that you are right about the fact that i was indeed abused as a 7 year old. I felt great fear during that moment, he (the abuser) didn't comfort me...he only told me to touch his penis. And i reluctantly agreed. My boyfriend said he can sometimes see that fear in my face...that fear of being hurt and abused again!!!
I do indeed drift off into the ''La-la land'' ... my boyfriend said to me that there are times when he can see how badly i have really been hurt and he thinks that this kind of drifting off may be a form of self-defence mechanism.
You know i started working in a convenience store about a month and a half ago and that experience (because i was constantly being pushed to speak to people and socialize) itself made me come out of my shell a little bit. The fact that i'm talking about MY problems with you...is an actual proof of some change.
You have put in front of me a very difficult challenge...i'm afraid i will continue drifting off to the 'La-la land'' all the time...and i have no control over it...i am in tears right now, because i feel like such a failure. I feel like i just can't do life...it's not meant for me.
I'm sorry that i laughed about your experience...it was not at you...it was with you...but seems that i was wrong to do that. Sorry!
Please forgive me if i don't understand you all the time...i feel like i have light-years of growing to do and it's all getting just too much for me.
Janno
jannokas (9/26/06 5:12 pm)
activated once again...
I have to express this as well.
I also get the feeling that you take things rather seriously. Like you are very fixed and there is no room to breath around you...you expect perfection from me.
Janno
shenreed (9/26/06 6:09 pm)
Re: activated once again...
Hi Janno,
I don't expect perfection from you.... you do.
Give yourself a BIG hug as you just made a BIG break though...You can do it.. you just proved it... and although it may seem like a baby step.. now there is no going back. Things will get tough... as you have already experienced but as you break each denial barrier life begins to unfold and the NEW you is re-born....
In your meditation, I want you to go back in time to that little seven year old boy. He is your lost fragment, the part of you that you pushed away in order to survive. It is this part of you that you have been feeling and thinking that it is the present experiences that are causing you to feel the way you do....You have been searching for love, to fill the hole in your heart.... You have believed and thought that it was another person, place or thing that would fill the emptiness inside you, but it is this part of you, that you are missing... Not that he is the only part of you that is missing, but he is the key to finding the other parts of you...
When you find him, I want you to look him in the eye and to hold his hand. Tell him that you are happy that you have found him and that you now plan to bring him back into your heart where he belongs. Tell him you need his help and that you are open to hear what he has to say. Tell him these things ONLY if you FEEL and mean them.... because if you are just saying the words and are phony... he will know it and have nothing to do with you...
He loves you dearly or he would not have gone through such extraordinary lengths to try to reach you..... Now it is time for you to reach him and to bring him home.... You heard right.... HOME... home is where the Heart is...
John
"Healing begins in the Heart"
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3/Oct/2006, 3:51 pm
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Jannokas Blog {September 27, 2006}
Jannokes Blog {September 27, 2006}
27th of September 1.43 am
Today we went to
Brighton with Steve to do the last bit of hopping before we leave
England. I only got myself a new top. We strolled down the streets as usual. Of course I felt very anxious again, but today I felt I had this kind of a social person mode on, I felt ok with expressing myself loudly and clearly and people looking at me seemed rather natural…I even expected for people to look at me, because I felt rather good-looking when I woke up today. Perhaps it’s a narcissistic streak in me, I don’t know. When I look in the mirror though…the face and the person that stares back at me doesn’t look like someone up to my standards. I don’t feel I own it (my reflection that is…sadly it lives a life of its own). But as we went for a coffee in the café Nero’s I started feeling anxieties again. In fact I felt like crap. I was sitting in a comfortable chair besides the window and the sun’s loving rays were stroking my face as I shut my eyes and felt my own feelings. For a moment there I got a hunch about the present moment, but it didn’t last. I feel like I have failed myself, I haven’t pushed myself hard enough. Then again…where am I pushing myself? Into the present moment? Alone? No thanks! Steve was right there next to me, but he can’t feel what I feel. He is far too grounded.
And I called my mom. The first time I called her we only had a short chat, sort of like: when are you coming to see me and all that. Then she said she was busy shopping and couldn’t talk any longer and I had to call her back an hour later. I was in a shop myself. And while shopping I was thinking about people as usual. In a public place I get rather shy and I know my face goes slightly red at times and I’m bothered about that as it’s a sign of weakness and makes me unworthy in other people’s eyes…that’s how I feel. Does it sound ludicrous? Not to me. I’m used to it. In fact I’m so used to being hurt that I am convinced any new person I meet is out to hurt me and inflict pain on me. Why? Because that’s what people do, they live off my anger. Like John for instance. One minute he makes me think that he can be trusted and that he’s in fact a friend and the next minute he calls me a drug addict, because I like to have a laugh. Well…it doesn’t take drugs to have fun and relax. It happens naturally. I trusted him. And he spat in my face. I thought I was talking to a friend. Instead I was communing with an anger-vampire. I think he lives off people’s anger. There’s a great possibility for that. Who knows what weird creatures God has created behind my back…
Phew! Got the anger bit out of the way!
I just read a reply from John and it was a lovely response this time. Not a demanding type a response, but a suggestive response. A light-hearted response, I didn’t’ feel pressure. I don’t feel so alone anymore. I wish this could last forever…somehow I know there is so much more coming towards me and I just don’t know if I can do this, if I can do life. I just don’t know. John suggested that I meditate and try and meet that 7 year old boy in me that I once abandoned in order to survive. That just makes me cry. Poor little 7-year-old me. Why did I abandon him?
And then I called my mom again as we were on our way back to
Eastbourne. The drive back is through scenic views along the
English Channel. When my mother answered the phone…she sounded so fresh and happy. I felt a lot of adrenaline rush through my stomach, while I started telling her the reason why I want to stay with her in
Finland. We decided that I stay for 2 weeks minimum. I think that’d be the least we can do for each other. She agreed and said – she’d been waiting for this moment; she said she never had a similar chance from her mother; her mother never listened to her pain. I was stunned. She was far too easy-going about this. She even said she knows what she’s done and the only way forward is to work through all the pain together. This time I have got open wounds. They hurt. My god…how much they really hurt! And to think that there is a chance for me to heal these wounds! I have been waiting my whole life for this. It promises a new start! Perhaps not in an instant, but at least soon. I am very excited and I am looking forward to it, but I am not building up any hopes. I didn’t expect such a result, but nor am I expecting any miracles. This time I want my mother to listen to me, as I have been listening to her all my life…except for these 3 years that I’ve lived independently away from her. If she was to inflict any more pain on these open wounds now…I doubt I could ever go on in life. I doubt I could survive this. I wouldn’t choose to survive this! I will die if I don’t get these problems sorted with her. Not because I will commit a suicide, but because I will just cry a river and drown in it, because I’d be too sad to swim…
jannokas @ 12:42 am [filed under DIARY No Comments »
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3/Oct/2006, 3:54 pm
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activated once again...
jannokas (9/27/06 3:08 pm)
activated once again...
Thank you so much!
You know i didn't hold his hand, but as i found him i just showed him how unhappy i am without him...at first he didn't want to come home, but then when he saw how miserable i am without him...he united with me...he is now inside of me. He allso told me how he really felt during all these xeperiences. A lot of fear and panic has been ignored and undealt with there...that trauma and shock of the whole experience...i feel it can't be healed.
I wrote all of it down in my diary http://jannokas.wordpress.com/...if you read it...tell me what you think.
Janno (finally discovered my heart)
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3/Oct/2006, 4:00 pm
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