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shenreed
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Re: Jannokas Journey (posted by John aka Shenreed)
jannokas
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(1/18/07 10:30 pm)
Reply Hey John!
I think we've finally hit the cord here...i have been so blind to what you've been saying. When you said FEAR OF i didn't realize you meant this phrase has to be followed by something particular. I did come to realize that my basic fear is the fear of abandonement and ridiculising by other people, hence the even worse fear that has been controlling my life: fear of crowded places. I am so very afraid of people coming together as a group, because i always feel that they do that to either laugh at me or make me feel small compared to their 'numbers'. Amazingly i even fear the same of complete strangers. I feel as though say a bunch of young kids in a group would look at me and laugh at me, because i am obvsiouly feeling embarrassed and flustered. That's what i went through in basic school, where i had the worst bullies you could imagine - completely heartless and unforgiving, because i was constantly under stress form the situation at home. I never really bonded with other kids in basic school...i just wanted to be left alone. But obviously these other kids assumed i was arrogant and sometimes they turned the whole classroom against me...it was a terrible pain...and it all boiled down to the very simple fact that i was 1) gay - definitely not accepted by the Estonian society, 2) i was shy - not bonding with the other 'cool' kids made me look like 'uphisownarse'-person...which i wasn't...
Is this a way forward in my healing process?
Janno
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28/Jan/2007, 12:03 am
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shenreed
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Re: Jannokas Journey (posted by John aka Shenreed)
shenreed
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(1/19/07 1:04 am)
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Fears and Judgments
Hi Janno,
Yes, our "fear of" are seemingly endless when you become aware of them...
You talk about your fears and that's OK.... but.... at the very end, you justify, belittle and negate them by your judgments (1) and (2) ....
You need to explore why you have those judgments (beliefs) or those emotions so that you to find the denied and hidden fear.... Then you need to go into the fear.... to root out the cause.... and begin to heal it...
John
"Healing begins in the Heart"
Edit: PS: Your judgments are also a form of self-hatred as you blame yourself and not the ones that harmed you. Blaming the ones that harmed you is hatred for others... and so the cycle continues until you decide to get off the not so merry go round and stop hating yourself...
Edited by: shenreed at: 1/19/07 9:51 am
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28/Jan/2007, 12:04 am
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shenreed
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Re: Jannokas Journey (posted by John aka Shenreed)
jannokas
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(1/19/07 10:19 pm)
Reply It's true...
You're right! I have been beating myself up about every little thing all the time and obvsiouly critising myself and belittling myself...i feel that when i have some healing to do, then i just can't sit down peacefully and enjoy something. I want the healing now! And another thing is that while you give excellent advice i get the feeling that you want your advice to be shocking and you serve it in a way that makes me upset and makes me wanna cry...and not speak to you ever again...
Do you mean for me to not sit comfortably and suffer until i dont' know what is wrong with me...or is it ok for me to enjoy myself? And not worry about what you've got to say?
Janno
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28/Jan/2007, 12:04 am
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shenreed
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Re: Jannokas Journey (posted by John aka Shenreed)
shenreed
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(1/19/07 11:09 pm)
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Re: It's true...
Hey janno,
My advice would not be shocking if you had no charge, issue or button that was being activated... one that you don't want to deal with... You ask me a question, I give you a reply... the choice is yours what you do with it...
Again, I'm not picking on you but here is some serious give your head a shake, "food for thought"....
If you think and believe, that you can only heal yourself when you are comfortable, at peace and enjoying yourself... Think again???? Why would you want to leave this place and go to where you don't want to go, to feel what you don't want to feel? When you are in that space, you might even convince yourself that you don't have any issues to heal and that everything is fine and dandy!!!! Why would you want to heal... why change a good thing when you are in denial and having a great time...
Healing doesn't work that way... never did... never will.
But like in every situation you have choices and if choose the easy path and you deny long and hard enough, you will get to that place of comfort and peace, but you will also discover that you "feel" less.... including less joy... as everything now becomes shades of gray, like in the movie "Pleasantville". The other choice is what you are complaining about... but again... it's your choice... your journey.
John
Edited by: shenreed at: 1/19/07 11:11 pm
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28/Jan/2007, 12:05 am
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shenreed
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Re: Jannokas Journey (posted by John aka Shenreed)
jannokas
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Posts: 145
(1/21/07 6:32 pm)
Reply Ok!
Your replies nearly always leave a bitter after-taste in my mouth .
Janno
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28/Jan/2007, 12:06 am
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Re: Jannokas Journey (posted by John aka Shenreed)
soul work
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Posts: 55
(1/22/07 6:20 am)
Reply Re: OK!
Janno, I think you'll find thats because they ring true deep within your soul. And you know why that is , its because you have to face the things you fear. You feel more comfort being with your friend, so you hold onto the relationship even though you feel trapped within it, but the truth is, "YOU!" have chosen to stay, your friend cant make you stay, you have chosen this path and so , you reap what you sow.
Its a difficult time for you <I think you'll find that John understands that, but he has given a great deal of time, to help you understand what is really taking place in your life. Sometimes when the truth is before us and we don't want to see, we look to find the fault anywhere but within ourselves. Its easier that way then its not our problem its the other persons. When in truth we new all a long it was within us, thats why your searching and continue to search for guidance.
I know when you have worked through the things you would much Rather not acknowledge, you'll see O so clearly how much harder you made things by denying there existence. Actually we all do it, your not alone, every soul thats here has this pattern of avoidance, but its the ego that tells you its to hard to face your issues. So you need to take control, go find a healer who you relate you, take the time and work on your soul .Not here on the INTERNET but in the real world, there are many people who have the skills to assist you.
I wish you well on your journey, have courage and know that Divine guidance will lead you where your souls healing will be found.
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28/Jan/2007, 12:06 am
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shenreed
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Re: Jannokas Journey (posted by John aka Shenreed)
jannokas
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Posts: 146
(1/22/07 10:15 pm)
Reply Hey!
John, you said 'the other thing is what you're complaining about'...what was that? Can you point it out?
Funny how most of the time your guidance sounds a bit like my inner critic...or is it just me mixing them up?
Soul Work, thanks for the kind word . I believe when i need a real healer he/she will pop out of nowhere...like everything else in my life has happened in its own perfect order. More than anything i am looking forward to finding a real life Reiki master to connect with . I've been calling out to a teacher in my meditations .
Janno
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28/Jan/2007, 12:07 am
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shenreed
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Re: Jannokas Journey (posted by John aka Shenreed)
shenreed
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Posts: 90
(1/22/07 11:52 pm)
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Wanting a "quick fix"
Hey janno,
What I meant by, "the other choice" is your stated intent to heal, and knowing that that means facing your issues and fears..not denying them. When the universe brings about an experience so that your issues come up for your healing, you deny and complain about them. You want to heal.. but you want it to be quick, easy, comfortable and fun. You would like to put any conflict, anxiety or fear on HOLD... until such time that you think that YOU have CONTROL of the situation and that there will no longer be any conflict, anxiety or fear.
Let me give yo a physical example... You are driving in a car and from out of no where a truck suddenly appears and is coming straight towards you. In this moment you have conflict, anxiety and fear and you would like to put that experience on HOLD and just stop everything in it tracks, or better yet, make it all go away, as you don't want to deal with the situation.
Furthermore, you would really prefer that this wasn't happening and that you were back at the restaurant sipping your latte and looking at the ocean. What you would also like to happen is that the latte and the ocean would somehow help you heal your issues with the truck. Truck is on (PAGE 1) and the LATTE is on (PAGE 2)
"Denial of the truth, doesn't change the truth, it just alters your perception of it."
John
Edited by: shenreed at: 1/22/07 11:59 pm
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28/Jan/2007, 12:08 am
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shenreed
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Re: Jannokas Journey (posted by John aka Shenreed)
jannokas
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Posts: 148
(1/23/07 5:09 pm)
Reply Wanting a "quick fix"???
Hmm. The first perception i had of you was...this guy is wise and knows something i don't. I believe that perception isn't a denial of how i feel about you. So...what is a denial??? I can't see how a denial works, because i allow myself feel everything that i need to feel and what really comes to me. I can honestly say i don't know about anything in me that i want to shove away/push away and control. I just don't see it.
The example you gave me is one of these: quick, easy, comfortable and fun, because it made me feel that way.
We're separating with Steve, but i just don't see what i'm denying here. Doesn't my intuition take care of everything??? I choose the free flow of my feelings and no control of them. The thing is that...one minute i feel that indeed we need to separate and the next minute it's all lah-de-dah...but not in the negative sense...so my feelings can be very very confusing and even unreliable in the sense of making decisions based on them. I prefer to channel my feelings into say music, where i can express them in a different manner.
Now perhaps i need to ask you...do i need any healing at all then? Perhaps i shouldn't call out for a healing experience from the Universe? Could it be that i'm calling out to an experience that i don't even really need??? Is that possible? I mean maybe i'm asking for something that i don't know what it is and i don't even really want it...that's why i still appear to be denying the 'so called truth'...?
Janno
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28/Jan/2007, 12:08 am
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Re: Jannokas Journey (posted by John aka Shenreed)
shenreed
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Posts: 91
(1/23/07 9:50 pm)
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May you find what you are looking for
Hi Janno,
There is no answer that I can give you that will satisfy your questions and end your confusion. All that I can say is:
To know what love is, you have to know what love is not.
To know what life is, you have to know what life is not.
To know what denial is, you have to know what denial is not.
The only way to know is through experience. Experience and reflection, and then more experience and more reflection, until such time that you not only see, but can feel what is the truth of each for youself.
May you find what ever you are looking for.
John.
"Healing begins in the Heart"
Edited by: shenreed at: 1/23/07 9:51 p
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28/Jan/2007, 12:09 am
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Re: Jannokas Journey (posted by John aka Shenreed)
jannokas
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Posts: 149
(1/24/07 9:04 pm)
Reply Thank you!
Thank you John!
And because of how i feel about you i would like to say to you: may you enjoy what you have!
Janno
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28/Jan/2007, 12:10 am
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Re: Jannokas Journey (posted by John aka Shenreed)
I missed keeping up with Jannos Blog.. The last entry before this one was Sept. 30 2006 and that was posted in this thread... I'm posting this single entry for November as it is the only one for that month... Since then there were (6) in December 2006 and to date, there are (14) posts in January 2007 and far too many to "get caught up" so to speak... If you are interested in reading them I've provided the link. Janno's Blog
Entries from November 2006
Past…
November 29th, 2006 · No Comments
29th of November, 2006 Dear diary, i can’t believe i’m really back in Finland and seeing my mom. Can’t say i’m extremely optimistic about going to Tallinn. But i want to do it. I don’t know what happened earlier, i was telling my mom about Lisa and i just became lost for words, my mind went blank. I didn’t think i’d ever feel like that around my own mom again. I guess the trauma has been so deep that there are just no limits to it…perhaps i’m just feeling down from today. I spent the whole day alone and i have no one to complain to. When i’m with Steve, i can at least let it all out without worrying about it too much…i can’t do that with my mom. With her i have to smile and pretend i’m fine…That just puts this intense pressure on me. I wanna scream from the depths of my throat!!! Th one thing i really feel like doing right now is actually practising my piano. I wish i had my piano here…i’d really let it all hang out right now. I’m feeling really creative! So…there has to be a constructive use to all this creative energy. perhaps i should write a book? I’ll write a short story instead!
The snow hasn’t fallen this year. It’s November and there is still no trace of snow. It just won’t happen. I’m glad though, because i’m not much of a snow fan anyways. I prefer things nice and warm. Hence the reason why i fled to Cyprus. It’s warm there. It never seazes to be warm there. The only time i froze my nuts off was about a month ago, when Cyprus was hit by a cold spell that moved in from the South-Russia. That was unbearable…You’d never expect to wake up freezing cold and shivering in the morning in Cyprus. These things just never happen in life. It’s one of these things that when it happens you think something has gone wrong in the World! Maybe it’s the much anticipated Armageddon/ Apocalypse or ‘the end of the World’ in Layman’s terms.
My world has ended about a million times so far. I have experienced the greatest losses one can ever experience in life. The first thing i lost in life was my much needed dignity…it was robbed from me, when i was a kid. I was a shy kid, rather withdrawn and very pre-occupied with lonely things that lonely kids do. But i never saw things in that way myself. I do not agree with being alone. I know i’m alone physically, but my spirit is never alone. My mom claimed she was unhappy as a young girl, because she was too boring…Nobody wanted to be with her, because she was ‘boring’. What a cruel word!? She is such a loving and kind spirit inside, but she has never been able to show affection. She has the dreadful 4 1’s in her birthdate…which makes her a very misunderstood person. Too much ‘ego’ material and too little soul presence. But it’s the life she has chosen for herself in the heavens. She will find the answers she’s always been looking for. I’m not at all worried about that. I worry about her in general though. She is my mom in the end of the day and one thing i could never bare would be loosing her. That’s a loss that i hope God will never confront me with. I have to learn to let go of the physical image though…I know that our lives are nothing but tools in the soul business we’re really doing here.
Let’s write about the Grieg piano concerto in a minor. I have been obsessed with it since the dawn of time…so to speak. The first moment i heard i fell so deeply in love with it that it’s been impossible to depart from it ever since. It’s a rather simple piece, there isn’t much of that ‘pianist virtuoso moment’ thing going on. It’s a hyper-sensitive emotional piece. Maybe Grieg had the hyper sensitivity arrow? He was born 15th of June or something…? If he had a 2,5 or 8 in his birth-date then he didn’t have the hyper-sensitivity arrow in his numerological thing… But that music definitely comes from a very sensitive soul…someone who has suffered quite grandly. At the same time the simpleness of the sound of that concerto indicates the fact that he hasn’t yet seen the worst of the suffering, there is still a lot of that inner child going on. Perhaps he discovered the inner child after a grueling time apart from all that is pleasant in life? Hmm…doesn’t make much sense, because he wrote the concerto, while he was 25 years old. Since he was a Gemini i’m not at all surprised with how attractive i find his music. I am an Aquarius and it’s a fact that Aquas gravitate towards Geminis. I like Geminis irrationality versus sensitivity. It’s the main sensitivity that drives them to move a lot, be so active and communicate that well. Well…back to the concerto. It’s starts with a magnificent a minor chord at the top of the keyboard accompanied by the rumbling Timpanis at first. It sounds best in the original version of the concerto. I am not very keen on the modified versions of the concerto. I was lucky enough to be able to hear the original version first and then the other simpler versions. The problem is that rumbling Timpanis do not convey the feeling of the smell of the fog in the early spring in the Norwegian Fjords.But the woodwinds do. They sound much gentler and have less of that attention grabbing noisyness. The rest of the original version is pretty much the same as the modified version, except for a few chords here and there, but nothing too noticable. There is one cadenza in the first movement. It’s not at all very demanding…it is rather unchallenging really. But it does have a lot of that substance; it conveys a powerful feeling!!! The theme of the first movement is so cute that it’s hard not to be able to memorize it. Even those who may claim not to have a musicians talent can easily hum the theme without making any mistakes. The second movement is like an actual Monet’s painting. It is just so powerful that even the few that do not listen to classical music would stop in their paths and listen and ask themselves the basic questions of existence…but they won’t even realize it, because they will be enjoying the piece too much. When i first heard the 2nd movement i did not think much of it until i heard the piano part. It starts with the orchestra playing this extremely slow tune that may be rather hard to grasp at first, but as soon as you’ve heard the whole piece you will want to hear it over and over again. It is addictive. There are so many nuances there that are not at all easy to spot. It is not a very flashy piece with all the big guns out and about like you would find in most of Liszt’s music Like i said it is like you are listening to a a painting of an impressionist era. It’s very emotional, but there is also slight abstractionism there - you feel free to feel anything you like about it, you don’t feel confined to think: hey, this is a great piece and so on…One will have to develop their own understanding of it. While listening to it you will feel as though you’re flying around the Norwegian landscape and land somewhere on top of a Fjord and watch flowers grow and birds fly at the distance and towards the end you will feel like you are a sunset… The 3rd movement is very flamboyant with a lot of vigour. It feels like rushing around, but not with the feeling as though you have lost something, but as though you’ve discovered the meaning of life and now you’re rushing everywhere to tell the news. There is much to share and share one shall!!! It’s accompanied by slight uneasiness though, but it doesn’t at all smother the over all excitement and optimism. Luckily it’s not a constant turmoil, there is a breathing in the middle of the piece…it feels like you’ve entered the gates of Heaven; it is so very serene that there are not such words to describe it. Then the music returns to it’s original fast moving pace. Towards the end the feel of the music gets very uneasy; it’s as though you get lost in the Norwegian woods during a lightning storm and there is just no escape from anything that is bad in the world…but luckily this ‘misery’ is followed by a perfectly happy ending, where the clouds get blown away by the warm summer breeze and sun comes out to play again and the lost wanderer finds himself, where he’s always wanted to be the most, at the very heart of innocence and true happiness!
You’ve gotta listen to it yourself and make up your own mind about it, dear diary, but i’m sure if you open your heart to it you would experience what i have!
Tags: DIARY
Last edited by shenreed, 28/Jan/2007, 12:24 am
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28/Jan/2007, 12:23 am
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